


Tepid

by HadenXCharm



Series: Melted [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Apologies, M/M, Romance, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-10 22:03:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4409453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Frigid: Sequel) Once the initial fire of passion dies down, what does that leave behind? While Ikkaku tries to figure out just what is between he and Yumichika now, Ichigo is going crazy trying to make himself act on a love he doesn't feel, and when Renji finds out, it breaks his heart. Ichigo realizes then that he's gotta' fix things for real before he loses a dear friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Hey this fire, this fire_   
_I'm burning us up_

* * *

Things had been going infinitely better for Ikkaku ever since that little freezer incident. Who knew that skipping work to masturbate and then being coerced into assaulting a co-worker would turn out so good for him.

Said co-worker was still an enigma. He was acting closer to how he had when they'd first met, i.e., when Ikkaku had had goo-goo eyes for him and had been following him like a puppy. At the time, Yumichika had acted like a caring friend and flirted quite a bit.

 _Now_  however, he was a mix between  _that_  person and the person he'd been after Ikkaku's confession, which made him this weird blend of sour and sweet. Ikkaku wasn't quite sure if he liked the taste yet – honestly he wasn't. Mostly, because he couldn't frickin' figure out what it  _was_  exactly, like lemonade that was just a tad too sour. He couldn't figure the little idiot out.

There he was in the break-room again, chewing that deliciously pink-bubble gum. Sure, it wasn't Ikkaku's lunch-break right now, but it was  _Yumichika's_ , and even if he'd get in trouble for it, Ikkaku just felt like picking on him for a minute or so before getting back out of here.

He'd just come for a bottled-water from the fridge, right? It was fine.

"Ahn,  _someone_  needs a bath," Yumichika piped up, face brightening right up when he saw Ikkaku for one little moment before he fell back into that snarky veneer. Ikkaku still caught it, seeing how Yumichika's eyes didn't go back to his magazine even though he was turning the pages.

"Yeah? You forget to take one last night?"

"I meant  _you,_  you animal," Yumichika said with a snort, and it  _was_  a snort, even if the little shit thought he was too pretty for that.

"I know what you meant," Ikkaku mumbled, coming around the side of the table and pecking him on the cheek. Yumichika half-heartedly dodged, but let him land a kiss on his face. Ikkaku grinned and pulled his earlobe once with his fingers before going to the fridge and letting the cold air blast him, fanning out his shirt a few times until Yumichika started telling him not to stink up the room.

"Fine, fine," Ikkaku agreed, sat down at the table with a water, and downed half of it in one go, grinning when Yumichika slid his foot around his under the table but otherwise ignored him. "You playing footsie with me?" Yumichika kicked him pretty damn hard. "Ooh, easy. I'm sore."

"Shh, I'm reading about supernovas," Yumichika said with an uncharacteristic gentleness, caressing the page once and smiling softly. "Look," he said, showing him the two-page spread, "Isn't that beautiful?" He smiled eagerly, head tilting to the side as he waited for Ikkaku's opinion.

Ikkaku wiped his forehead. "Looks like a bunch of dots," he said with a shrug. Yumichika made a noncommittal noise, going back to reading and rubbing Ikkaku's ankle with his socked-foot. Ikkaku let out a content sigh, getting comfortable. He had probably five minutes before he was in danger of getting yelled at.

Yumichika blew another bubble, letting it pop before he pulled the gum back into his mouth, giving Ikkaku just a little glimpse of his tongue. Oblivious to his audience – or perhaps just that smooth about it – Yumichika continued to read and chew his gum, occasionally blowing a bubble or two. Ikkaku didn't think he'd seen anyone actually  _blow a bubble_  since like  _middle school._

Yumichika rubbed his leg with his toes absently, and Ikkaku leaned his elbow on the table, resting his chin on his palm as he took another sip of water. It was really sad, but they hadn't been able to spend time in silence together since before Ikkaku's initial confession and Yumichika's transformation into – or perhaps, his _reveal_ as _–_  a jerk. All of that time they could've spent enjoying each other's company had been wasted arguing. Sure, they still argued a lot now that they were together, but it was much more subdued.

When it came down to it, Yumichika was a really sweet person. Sure, he was a complete asshole and literally the most annoying, infuriating, little shit Ikkaku had ever met, but even though he was still being mean, Yumichika had been really nice to him ever since they'd been locked in that freezer together.

Since they'd started  _dating._

Maybe it was something about hearing out loud that Ikkaku would love him even if he was such a cruel little bastard. Maybe he'd needed to hear that it was okay, that he didn't need to change himself and that he could be who he was without worrying. Now that Yumichika didn't have to scare him away or be defensive because of that, he was only  _half_  as much of a jerk as before. Ikkaku didn't feel the need to guard against the insults or feel hurt or offended anymore either, and so things were a lot smoother than before. Instead of responding with ' _well, fuck you too,'_  usually Ikkaku responded to things like that with a kiss or an affectionate head-butt to the shoulder.

Still, it fucking confused him, because Ikkaku didn't really know how to act around this guy. He was a pretty flower, but with sharp stems, pointy leaves, poisonous spores, and the smell was overpowering. Basically, there were a lot of flaws, but  _god_ , was he pretty. Not to say that Ikkaku only liked him because of that, but a lot of the time, that was why Ikkaku forgave Yumichika for his sleights. It would be a shame to fuck up such a pretty face. What a little brat, but he was  _his_  brat now.

Ikkaku was consumed by guilt more than anything, because he always came back to the fact that he'd lost control of himself and hurt Yumichika pretty badly. Sure, the guy hadn't even been limping the next day, but Ikkaku knew that he'd hurt him. He'd been  _really_  rough – why on earth was Yumichika being nice to him even though he'd done that? Was he just trying to stay on his good side so that he wouldn't do it again?

That couldn't be right. Yumichika wasn't the type of guy who would let someone yank him around. That was why he'd gotten so catty in the first place. No, maybe those words had been enough for Yumichika to forgive him? Or maybe that entire time, Yumichika had been goading him on and waiting for Ikkaku to snap, and now that he finally had… so wait, what?

Ikkaku frowned in thought. Maybe Yumichika liked that Ikkaku had finally thrown his shit-talk back in his face instead of putting up with it? And that made him mildly affectionate? Weird.

He'd lost his temper, but that had been what had made Yumichika change his mind about letting him love him. Even if that were so, Ikkaku didn't know if he ever wanted to get drunk around Yumichika… just in case he tried something like that again. They were boyfriends now and Ikkaku wasn't gonna' go around acting like that to his sweetie, not even if Yumichika provoked him like last time.

Ikkaku wasn't exactly gentle when he touched him now, but he was certainly careful. When he shoved him, he was sure to not do it hard enough to bang him into anything or knock him over. When he swatted him, he made sure not to leave a bruise. When he kissed him, he did it so quickly that nothing bad could happen accidentally. Yumichika wouldn't have time to bite him or crunch their noses together.

Thinking back on it now, they hadn't really done much since they'd had sex. Well, they had agreed that they were going steady after Ikkaku had awkwardly asked what exactly was going on between them now. They hadn't gone out yet or seen each other outside of work. They hadn't really kissed much, although that wasn't for lack of trying. They just had very little time off at the same time, since Ikkaku's schedule was different from Yumichika's.

Sometimes he could get Yumichika to sit still long enough to hug him before he left work, or they could hold hands when they were walking through the employee-warehouse. He'd let Yumichika get on his shoulders to grab something for a customer off a high-shelf even though there were ladders literally everywhere. Sometimes he could even walk him to his car and grab his butt a little before going home. Yumichika didn't even always slap him in the face for that!

They'd agreed to actually go out somewhere this weekend, and Ikkaku was excited, because that meant he was getting some. Yumichika had been giving him sex eyes for a while now, and he was so fucking ready. _Unf_ , they were going to have a good time. Ikkaku just had to vacuum his apartment in case they went to his house to do it afterwards. He hated vacuuming, but he had to make sure his floor was clean, because they might do it on the floor, or maybe his bed, or the counter, or the couch, maybe? Whichever it ended up being, he was going to make sure this was the best sex of their lives.

Of course, Ikkaku was looking forward to the date more, because they'd already had sex – which wasn't that great – but they hadn't gone out yet. Maybe he could get some kisses outta' this. There was still so much of Yumichika's body he had to explore. That little rendezvous in the fridge had been wholly unsatisfying.

Ikkaku wanted to touch Yumichika's neck while he kissed him, he wanted to trace the shell of his ear and the line of his shoulders. He wanted to see how their hands could intertwine up close. He wanted to carry Yumichika in his arms and lay on his back with the smaller guy on top of him, to see just how much they overlapped. More than that, he wanted to run his fingers through those silky black locks. If they were anywhere near as soft and fragrant as they looked, Ikkaku would  _kill_  to press his face in there and inhale.

Yumichika didn't let him touch his hair, but Ikkaku was pretty damn determined to do so on their date tomorrow night. That was his goal. Not getting in the pants again – although that was also welcome – but touching that hair without getting put in a chokehold.

Their first date. It would be a Saturday, and it was gonna' be fucking awesome. He'd waited for this for ages.

 _Pop_.

Ikkaku was brought out of his thoughts as Yumichika sucked his bubblegum back into his mouth again, looking at him strangely.

"What's with that stupid look on your face? I'll catch your ugly, Ikkaku," Yumichika said, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?" Ikkaku said, standing up and getting in his face, practically nose to nose with him. "Say that to my armpit! Come here!" Ikkaku nabbed him by the sleeve and started towing him in, raising his arm. Yumichika punched him in the ribs and shoved him back, and rightfully so. Ikkaku's eyes watered a little when the smell hit him – he'd worked too hard outside today. When was this blasted heatwave gonna' end? Either the heat had to stop, or they had to stop restocking so often. Damn, was he sweating.

"Heh', you got away this time, but don't let your guard down," Ikkaku said with a sneaky grin. Yumichika just had his hands on both sides of his hair as he chewed his gum wildly, eyes wide as he shook his head slowly with a flat wide mouth that was trying not to smile.

"You are just the worst, you awful man," Yumichika complained, but Ikkaku could hear the laughter in his voice and let it warm his heart as if he was professing his love.

Ikkaku grinned, leaning in and meeting him halfway for a short kiss before he left the break-room. "Get out of here, you're supposed to be working."

Ikkaku stuck out his tongue at him. "I'm just carrying boxes, geez. I can afford to take a couple minutes to visit you." Ikkaku stretched for a minute, holding his breath as he raised his arms again. "It gets boring after a while, but it's nice to be paid to work out." Ikkaku flexed and pursed his lips, staring at Yumichika for approval, only gaining an eye-roll and a swat to the bum with his magazine.

"Oh please."

The taunts of 'my-boyfriend-can't-lift' gave Ikkaku the strength to finish up his last few hours, motivated duly by proving that little shit wrong and making him proud.

He was starting to realize that when Yumichika talked trash about him, he was really doing the opposite. He was  _bragging_  about him.

Hell yeah, he could lift.

* * *

"Ichigooooo!"

"Fuck off," Ichigo said flatly, removing his foot from Keigo's face and walking by with Renji at his heels. Geez, it was like every time he saw the dude, he was doing some weird overdramatic shit all over the place. It wasn't like Ichigo genuinely was annoyed enough that he felt like beating him up, but whenever he jumped him like that, Ichigo's dad-defense reflexes kicked in. He'd spent too many years with Isshin to let something like that slide.

"Wow, Ichigo, that hardly even hurt! You're in a good mood today," Keigo chattered, shaking Mizuiro by the shoulders and excitedly saying that Ichigo was finally coming around.

"It's a motherfucking Saturday, of course I'm in a good mood." Renji got this slow creeping smile on his face, which Ichigo put an end to with a sharp glare.

' _I dare you, say one fucking word about it being because I got laid last night and I will_ _end you,_ _Abarai.'_

Renji didn't say anything, but Ichigo still turned a little red, because even if the joke hadn't been said aloud, he could still read it on Renji's face. Luckily, their friends didn't pick up on it. Thank god that it was such a hot day outside. Renji seemed to be appreciating the fact that Orihime and Rangiku were wearing spaghetti strap tank-tops a little too much. Not that Ichigo was jealous, he just wished the red-head would be a little less obvious in his staring.

' _Seriously though, stop.'_ If he glared hard enough, Renji might get the point and cut it out, but it didn't seem to be working. Maybe if he growled? Punching him might be too direct, but…

Rukia cut in then and separated them, dragging Ichigo ahead to talk with Uryu and Chad, while Tatsuki, Orihime, Hisagi, Kira, Rangiku, Momo, and Renji hung back with Mizuiro and a heartbroken Keigo.

Ichigo was pretty confused, senses dazed and dulled. He hadn't been able to fucking think straight for a few days now. The times things seemed to make sense, he was face down on the bed with his ass in the air, and at moments like those, he was doing  _anything_  but thinking 'straight'. It just made him all the more confused afterwards. What the fuck was wrong with him?

His heart had been betraying him, and no, not in the feelings way. Whenever Renji would touch him or get close or even  _talk_  to him in a certain way, Ichigo would feel an honest-to-god palpitation, like someone wearing a Jason-mask had jumped down from the rooftop and screamed in his face. Well, to be honest, seeing Renji be sweet was pretty fucking scary. Actually, it was more unnerving than anything.

It was just annoying to be constantly pondering over their new little 'relationship' when it seemed like Renji was just perfectly calm and fine and not conflicted like Ichigo was. I mean, what on earth? Why wasn't Renji stressing out too? It wasn't like he'd 'come out' yet or something, had he? Did people know about Renji liking men already? Was  _that_  why this wasn't a big deal to him?

Geez, this was all such a mess in Ichigo's mind. It wasn't fair that he was sweating blood over something that had already happened. I mean, they'd  _done it._  All the way, straight-up, gay, anal sex. It couldn't get more serious than that. What was Ichigo worried about now? Fucking  _hand-_ holding? Seriously?

It wasn't like the sex was horrible or something, or that he had to suffer through it. Still, there was something about imagining them engaging in a romantic kiss that made Ichigo's stomach do this funny thing. No, taking it up the ass was definitely easier than that.

He didn't exactly dislike the idea, and he wasn't about to back out of their agreement. He and Renji were… _boyfriends_  now. God, he cringed just thinking that. It was still so weird. Sometimes when Renji would get too touchy, it was all just too overwhelming and Ichigo needed a breather. He wouldn't change his mind, but he would berate himself for his poor life choices.

If he and Renji hadn't become roommates, then maybe this-

"Kurosaki-kun, have you been to this sushi-ya before?" Inoue called to him, bouncing up next to him, yes, _bouncing_ , which got Renji's eyes wandering again. Ichigo smiled a little, brought out of his thoughts and resolutely looking into her eyes, although it was impossible to eliminate his peripheral vision.

"Ah, no. This was Renji's dumb idea, actually. Owch, fuck!" he swore, whipping around when Rukia kicked him in the leg and said that it had been  _her_  idea. "Hey, shut up!" he shouted when Renji started laughing at him.

"Dude, it takes talent to scowl that hard without tiring out your neck. I mean, look at this," Renji said with a cocky laugh, making an exaggerated frown, pointing at a spot on his neck where the tendons were popping out.

"I'll fucking kill you!"

Rukia rolled her eyes and took Renji's arm, tugging on him a little to make him check their directions and make sure they were all walking to the right location.

"This place better be good," Uryu spoke up. Ichigo heartily agreed, calming down a little.

"We've been walking for ages."

"But that gives me a chance to talk to you about-" Keigo started up, naming an unfamiliar DVD series that Ichigo tried to pay attention to but was largely lost after he explained that they were aliens but looked like humans, but also fought other aliens that  _didn't_  look like humans, all while on a spaceship.

His thoughts drifted back to Renji who was walking on the other side of Rukia while Orihime and Keigo talked to him. He answered out of reflex and was glad that his natural personality was stern and withdrawn so that they wouldn't really notice anything was wrong with him. More of a concern was the dreamy expression he'd probably been wearing lately, and he was pretty sure they were catching on, because Keigo had noticed a little something earlier.

Renji probably thought all of this was pretty funny and was hoping the truth would come out. Ichigo was starting to think that wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't that he didn't think his friends would be supportive. He only wanted this to remain private. He just didn't understand why Renji didn't see the importance of that. Ichigo mostly just wanted a loophole to escape through should he change his mind or something. That way not everyone had to know.

He especially didn't want the girls to know. And Uryu. Uryu would have negative respect-points for him if he came out and he'd have to listen to endless 'sexual-tension' jokes every time he and Renji argued. He just wanted everyone to ignore their relationship and go on as they had, and wasn't that basically the same as them not knowing? He just hoped Renji didn't tell Rukia.

Truth be told, Ichigo did want his friends' acceptance. He just wasn't ready to share this with everyone while he was still figuring things out. What frustrated him was that Renji already seemed to have  _everything_ figured out and was completely sure of himself and what he wanted.

When they touched, Renji didn't hesitate, he never doubted, he never pulled back unless it was Ichigo who was the one hesitating. When they kissed, Renji sighed into it and held his face, he stroked his body like he was a romantic partner that he was extremely passionate for. When they were having sex, Renji was attentive and went as fast or slow as he wanted. He would face whichever way Ichigo wanted and didn't make him sit on top or ride him. He wouldn't go too hard and he whispered in his ear when he was making him orgasm. Renji's hips rolled in a smooth continuous motion and his thrusts were never choppy. He was completely sure of everything and it drove Ichigo mad. Renji had absolutely no shame and it made his head spin.

It was just that... when it had seemed like Renji just wanted a fuck-buddy, it had hurt so bad. Ichigo had been so sure that he was in love, but now... he wasn't so sure anymore.

"Hey, snap out of it," Renji said, waving his hand in front of his face for a second, causing Ichigo to jump and knock into Orihime a little. She made a little 'kyaa' noise and her hands snapped up to her sides, but Ichigo grabbed her wrist before she could topple into anyone else.

"Sorry, Inoue. You okay?" he asked in concern, seeing that she looked really shaken and was really pink in her face. Was she sick? "You don't look so good," he said, frowning, leaning in a little. She waved her hands wildly and shook her head, assuring him she was fine. Her cheeks were really red, and he supposed it was because it was so hot out here. Ichigo offered her his water-bottle.

"What gives, man?" Renji asked in mild confusion, leaning around Rukia, who was also watching him pretty close. Keigo began babbling about conspiracy theories and reminding everyone how weird Ichigo had been acting earlier. Lucky for him, no one really paid much attention. Renji looked to him briefly before his eyes flicked back to Ichigo's face. "I called your name like four times. You wonder why I punch you as a greeting."

Ichigo grumbled, "The fuck do you want, then?"

"Well, before you flipped your bricks and practically clocked Orihime, I said, 'we're almost there', since you're so concerned about this taking so long," Renji said in reply, shrugging.

"Well, pardon me for not enjoying walking next to a goddamn highway for miles," Ichigo complained, but clammed up when Renji moved to walk next to him and got down to his eye-level to accurately point out that the sushi joint was in the strip mall way up ahead. He should've been following Renji's finger to see the building, but all he could focus on were their ears brushing together just slightly, and the sweat beading on Renji's neck.

"Okay, thanks, uh," Ichigo pushed Renji out of his space, a little flustered, moving closer to Orihime in hopes that Renji would get the message. "Uh, good, yeah," he continued pointlessly, gaining a weird look from Renji.

"Yeah," Renji repeated slowly, raising an eyebrow. "Anyways… This place has got ginger that isn't so strong that you wanna' hurl. The spicy mayo isn't too hot, and… It's great. It's…" Renji gave a pleasant sigh, smiling, giving an 'aaah' gesture, "it's perfect."

"I like their spicy tuna roll," Rukia piped up. Renji shuddered, like the mere thought brought back bad memories.

"Aw, what? You guys went there without me?" Ichigo asked.

"Uh… It doesn't matter," Renji said, putting on a silly grin to appease him. "We're going there together right now, so no worries." Renji patted his shoulder to Ichigo's dismay. He moved to Orihime's other side as casually as he could, seeing Renji's expression harden into one of disappointment and resignation, but overall,  _hurt._ Shit.

Their friends wouldn't think anything was off if either of them were irritable or pissed at each other, but quiet sadness on  _Renji_ was pretty noticeable. Ichigo had to do damage control, and fast.

"Good. I'm so starving that I could live with sitting next to you the whole time," Ichigo said just to bring him out of his mood. It worked immediately. Renji perked right up. Inoue ended up sitting next to him too.

It was a small place,  _really_  small, with only about ten stools at the bar, and four or five tables. They had to push a few together to all fit, and when the waitress came to take their order, she was the shyest, most timid, dark-haired girl Ichigo had ever seen. Her slanted eyes were meeting theirs, but her voice was soft and she could hardly make herself come all the way over to the table, hands clasped in front of her as she gave them menus. She gave a short bow before scurrying away.

Renji leaned over his shoulder a little to check out the menu even though he had his own. Ichigo could feel his breath on his ear as he pointed out certain things. Ichigo shuddered a little and tilted his head away but otherwise acted normal, even though he could hardly pay attention to what Renji was actually saying to him. He just couldn't stop replaying the feeling of his touch over and over. He wished Renji would just give him some space right now. Somehow  _this_ , whatever  _this_  was, was a little too intimate for some weird reason.

They'd had sex twice since that first time, and still, Ichigo didn't think he was ever going to get used to the after part where he'd be stuck sitting on the toilet for an hour and swearing he was never gonna' do this to himself again. He didn't think he'd ever get used to that initial thrust of Renji getting inside, or the way it felt to cum because of something other than his own hand.

He couldn't stop thinking about it. God, what had happened to his life?

It wasn't like he  _regretted_  his decision exactly to start being something official with Renji, but Ichigo was still trying to adjust to the idea.

Renji had promised not to mention any of it to their friends, not even Rukia, but Ichigo was more worried that  _he_  was gonna' give something away by blushing or clamming up at the wrong moment if someone said something weird, and then even if neither of them came out and said it, everyone might guess anyways.

Maybe he was a little ashamed of what they were, but mostly it was just that he felt this was a very private matter and didn't want anyone else's opinion interfering or influencing his own opinion while he was trying to figure this out.

The sex was good, albeit still awkward on Ichigo's end, since he was still warming up to what he was supposed to do and getting used to being looked at and touched. The sex was great, alright? It was just the inbetween-before-and-after parts that made him queasy.

Now that Renji wasn't all cocky and shit, making him feel like it was a challenge, Ichigo didn't have the motivation to 'beat' him or whatever, and by so doing, he didn't know what the fuck to do beforehand.

Foreplay made him nervous, eye-contact was awkward and forced on his end, kissing was like pulling nails, and holding hands was a definite no. After-glow cuddling made Ichigo restless and he always found himself getting up in the night and walking around aimlessly rather than returning to the bed where Renji was sleeping naked. Worse still was when intimate activities going on between them had nothing to do with sex and he didn't have any way to explain them away other than love.

He could hardly even sit next to Renji on the couch anymore or put their feet next to each other on the coffee table while they played video games. Ichigo overanalyzed every tiny bit of contact and breach of personal space. When he'd kiss Renji, he'd do it like a little kid – lips pursed, pecking once and then backing away. He'd shy away when Renji touched his hair or tried to rub his back or something. It was infuriating to have to walk on eggshells in his own house, but he found himself trying to constantly avoid the guy, which was damn near impossible since they were living together.

Ichigo wouldn't let Renji hold his hand in front of their friends, kiss his hair, call him sweet names, be nice, or hardly anything. When they'd been out cruising the mall and the skate park the other day, he'd walked next to Rukia so that Renji was on her other side, just to put some space between them. Renji was patient through all of this because Ichigo was still giving it up in bed for those couple nights, but Ichigo was starting to wonder if his patience would last.

"You're gonna' love this," Renji promised, grinning, pointing at the futomaki. Ichigo licked his lips, looking back to his face, smiling after a moment.

Would he, though? Was this change between them for the better, or had he made a terrible mistake?

When the shy girl came back, they ordered for the table, getting a plain cucumber roll, as well as salmon, spicy yellowtail, tempura calamari, rainbow, and futomaki. Sushi for days.

While they waited, Ichigo cracked his chopsticks apart and mixed some wasabi on his smaller plate, pouring soy sauce and combining it, mentioning to Renji to be sure not to use his plate on accident if he didn't want a spice-shock.

"Duly noted," Renji answered, glad for the warning, eating his miso while they waited. The restaurant was actually a pretty shady looking place, but they served the food up within five minutes, and it was  _good._

Getting some ginger strips on his plate, Ichigo got some of everything as the entire table shared. Renji didn't take the spicy yellowtail and steered clear of any pieces of sushi that had even  _touched_  the wasabi on the serving plates. Ichigo didn't tease, shrugging and picking up a futomaki with his chopsticks, trying to eat it one bite. Damn, it took a few tries, and he had to hold his hand in front of his mouth when he finally got it in, chewing for almost a full minute. It took almost that long to process every flavor.

Taking a breath and a break between every few pieces, Ichigo quickly cleaned his mouth with a few pieces of ginger and then kept eating. Renji's favorite was the calamari roll, which was very crunchy because of the green pepper. Sometimes the fish smell of the tuna and yellowtail got to him, along with the spiciness. "Here, you want mine? I'm stuffed," Ichigo eventually offered, letting Renji snag the last gigantic roll off of his plate. It took some serious finger strength to pick those up with chopsticks.

Finally full enough to stop eating long enough to talk, Keigo spoke up about wanting them all to go to a concert together. Sometimes Ichigo felt bad, because he knew that if he'd go to these things with Keigo, the whole group probably would, and since he almost never did, Keigo ended up being on his own, since Mizuiro didn't always indulge him. Still, he had no desire to go to these ridiculous parties or mosh pits or whatever it was that Keigo wanted them to go do on a weekly basis.

"So Ichigo, wanna' go?" Keigo asked eagerly. Renji looked up between them in thoughtful curiosity.

"Mn, I'll pass. Sounds boring."

"Wha-haat?!" Keigo sputtered, let down. "But the last time I mentioned it, you said you liked them and thought they were cool!"

"Doesn't ring a bell," Ichigo said honestly, frowning. He really needed to listen better when his friends talked, because damn if he remembered Keigo talking to him about music. Even if he tried to avoid these situations, it was still nice for them all to hang out together in a group like this like they were all still in high school.

Mizuiro saved him from Keigo's tearless sobbing by bringing up the valid point that Keigo didn't have money for tickets anyway, to which Keigo burst into renewed wails about Mizuiro selling him out.

Suddenly Renji leaned in toward Ichigo's ear, causing him to flinch back momentarily until he realized that Renji was just trying to talk to him discreetly. Ichigo stuck the side of his face out slightly to get closer, offering his ear. "Hey, speaking of, we should go on a date," Renji said lowly, grinning. "Maybe not a concert, but..."

Ichigo scoffed and gave him a look, not moving back even though they were placed pretty close now. As long as Renji didn't break the space barrier, all was fine. "What took you so long, huh?" Ichigo grumbled, "I mean, aren't you supposed to take me out to dinner at least before sleeping with me?"

Renji was a little surprised that Ichigo actually mentioned the fact that they'd done it with their friends around – even if they weren't paying attention – but it didn't show on his face. He just gave Ichigo a lazy grin and patted his back a couple times, chuckling. "Next time, Ichigo."

As they wandered home, Ichigo chatted with Chad and had a long conversation about their career paths and the future. It was all pretty scary and confusing, especially now that Ichigo couldn't focus on shit because of his muddled emotional state. Chad provided clarity as usual. ' _Just do what makes you happy._ '

 _Was_  he happy though? He wasn't sure. God, what did he even want? Ichigo had no idea.

He gave a lot of thought to how things were between them as Renji lazed around in the living room that night. Ichigo sat up with his textbooks at the dining table, listening to the TV channel change every so often, the ambient noise of cued laughter, game show dings, and soap opera music lulling him into a doze. Life was okay like this, really it was, but Ichigo had to figure a way how to stop feeling this way.

He didn't know if he liked the idea of being boyfriends. Things like this were fine, spending time together at a distance so that he had some space, and it was okay when Ichigo initiated things, when they were having sex, when they were chilling out, but Ichigo didn't know if he liked the idea of mushy words and kissing for reasons other than lust being in there. It made him uncomfortable and vulnerable-feeling. He knew that was the risk you took when you were in love, but he didn't like that idea.

He liked Renji, really he did, and maybe those things were so scary because of how much he actually liked them. It was too soon for him to just get used to it right away. Sometimes he really wanted to tell Renji to fuck off even though his kiss made him feel really special.

Even though he was the one who'd been so upset at the idea of being fuck-buddies, Ichigo didn't know if he wanted to be lovers either. He certainly didn't want Renji to start looking for someone else, and it wasn't like he felt like sleeping around either, but this idea of exclusively being  _sweethearts_  or something was really threatening to his pride and made him feel funny in his chest. It was a constant struggle. Why the fuck couldn't he just think straight?... There was a bad pun in there somewhere. God Damnit.

Stupid Renji, making everything so complicated. Why did that guy have to be so straight-forward and sure of what he wants? Didn't he ever feel lost and confused like Ichigo did? Why was he the only one having a crisis?

"You goin' ta' bed?" Renji called from the couch, hair loose and falling around his shoulders. Ichigo never knew how to react when he saw that, used to Renji's spiky loud hairstyle, not this soft plain one. Seeing the red hair flowing like that made it much more exotic looking, especially with those tattoos peeking through.

Sure, he'd seen this every night pretty much since they'd started rooming together, but only little glimpses, since Renji was always quick to put it back up. Since they'd started dating, though, Renji would leave it down for longer, like he trusted him more. Ichigo knew that the doofus was shy about it, that and his forehead, no matter what he said otherwise, and truth be told, Ichigo felt special to be the only one who got to see this. It was like a show of trust or something.

Still, Ichigo couldn't bring himself to return it by speaking the truth out loud. Maybe it was because he wasn't sure what the truth  _was_  right now. How did he really feel? He was so confused.

"Yeah," Ichigo replied, grabbing some popcorn out of the microwave, planning to make a hasty retreat to his bed and watch some cartoons on his phone until he fell asleep.

Renji cornered him in the hallway with a tired smile, getting close and running his hands up Ichigo's tensed arms a few times, leaning in to his face. "I'll turn in too, then." He kissed Ichigo's cheek, lingering for a minute. "Love you, Loser," he said, pulling on the hair above Ichigo's sideburn to make it less serious.

"Yeah," Ichigo acknowledged, unable to maintain eye-contact or avoid tipping his head down for a minute. It was still a little intimidating to hear that, and he honestly couldn't tell whether he liked it or not yet. He was leaning in both directions and it was pretty scary at times to see so much devotion in Renji, mostly because he didn't know if he was capable of matching it. He felt undeserving of this.

Ichigo nodded again stupidly, pretty sure that he was blushing as he listened to Renji give a soft laugh. Kicking him lightly in the ankle, Ichigo rolled his eyes and plodded down the hall, cracking his popcorn open and taking a hot handful. When he reached his door and made to slip inside, he turned around slowly, eyes wide and mouth full as he looked at Renji, who was directly behind him.

So, all three times they'd done it, they'd passed out in one of their rooms, slept in the bed, and woken up together. It was an intimate experience to say the least, since both of their beds were single-sized mattresses, meaning they had to coordinate and touch each other when they rested. More importantly, did this mean that Renji was trying to get some right now?

"Wha'u' you wam'?" Ichigo mumbled, chewing suspiciously. Renji yawned and got closer, trying to sneak through into his room with him, but Ichigo just pursed his lips and stared, saying, "My room," shortly.

"Okay," Renji said with a shrug, leaning forward to peck his nose one more time, grinning at him. Ichigo narrowed his eyes in confusion, watching him for a minute as he slowly closed the door on him, shutting it with a click. "Well, night," Renji said from the outside. Ichigo just put his ear to the door and listened as Renji stood there for a minute before going to bed and shutting himself in his own room.

Ichigo felt bad for a little while, wondering if Renji had been standing out there crushed or something, upset that he'd been cock-blocked, but to his surprise, as he sat awake, he didn't hear any masturbating noises from the next room over, and that wasn't because Renji was a quiet guy, either.

He could just barely hear  _snoring_.

Ichigo gave the wall a deadpan stare and a wave of the hand, laying down and pulling a single sheet over himself. What a fucking dork he was dating.

Maybe he should just try to get used to it and let the idiot in. His bed was small, and the weather was still sweltering, but in that post-orgasmic bliss, bonding with his partner felt really really _right_. It was like they were the only two people in the world and that they'd been meant to be together and nowhere else, like their bodies had been made specifically to mold together so perfectly. It was just afterwards when the sweat cooled, when the pleasure-excuse was gone, Ichigo couldn't stand it and he'd start to squirm.

This love thing was more trouble than it was worth. He wasn't even sure if that was what he was feeling. Wasn't falling in love supposed to be this amazing warm flash of lightning that just suddenly hit you and you _knew_  what it was? Why did he feel so confused and pained if it was supposed to be love? Maybe it was just a combination of lust and jealousy, because he didn't want Renji turning anywhere else for comfort or sex. Maybe it wasn't love or even a crush at all. What if Ichigo really was just a pervert inside and nothing more? What if he was everything he'd accused Renji of being?

Maybe he was just this horrible person who'd yanked Renji around and told him that he didn't want to date him, only to change his mind and give him hope, and then take it away again.

Ichigo furrowed his brow and pulled his sheet up around his shoulders, bunching himself up in frustration and guilt.

What a cruel indecisive bastard he was turning out to be.

* * *

_So if you kiss me, if we touch,_   
_warning's fair, I don't care_   
_very much._


	2. Chapter 2

_Show me love, show me love, show me love,_   
_Show me love, show me love_   
_'Til you open the door_

* * *

Ikkaku couldn't remember the last time he'd been on a date.

Okay, well he  _could_ , but it hadn't really counted as a date, alright? Going out with your girlfriend with a ton of other dudes to a sports bar for dinner with no privacy didn't really count as a date. He'd never  _kissed_  her on that date, so it didn't count. He hadn't needed to impress her because the two of them had been good friends and had known each other for a few years and he hadn't had to stress out about getting ready or about thinking of what to say.

But he was stressing out now.

He was determined to be prepared and not to slip up, although he was sure that Yumichika would always be able to immediately find fault with anything or anyone he laid his eyes on, no matter how perfect. That wasn't the point. He'd accepted the fact that Yumichika would pick at his flaws. The point was that Ikkaku didn't want anything  _important_  to go wrong, and he'd spent a ton of time getting ready to at least control the damages.

Even though he always got a pretty good work-out at his job, Ikkaku had gone to the gym every night this week. Not just because he was trying to get in shape, either, but because it helped keep his mind off things and made him feel really good the next day without fail. Going to bed sore and exhausted kept him from lying awake and thinking about all the ways he might fuck up. It had gotten harder and harder as the week had gone by, and now that it was Saturday morning, he was really cracking down.

He'd shaved really good and his jaw was perfectly smooth. No nicks,  _fuck_  yes. He'd found his breath-spray, he'd bought condoms, he'd picked out some clothes that weren't too casual or too dressy, and he'd spent a long time on his hands. Clean hands. He  _had_  to have clean hands when he touched Yumichika this time. His normally jagged nails were filed down and had no dirt underneath, he'd ground away the calluses he'd gained from his job, and his cuticles looked perfect.

Sighing as he stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror and flossed, Ikkaku let the shower warm up. Maybe he was stressing out too hard, but he wanted to look nice. Yumichika always looked so perfect without seeming like he hardly tried, and Ikkaku wanted to make him dizzy with affection too.

I mean, Ikkaku didn't really see  _why_ , but there had to be  _something_  about him that Yumichika found attractive. If he fixed up everything, he was bound to catch what it was without needing to figure out exactly what. Or you know, Yumichika might be with him for his personality.  _Hah!_

He'd figured it out. Yumichika had liked him for all that time but hadn't wanted to. He'd been mad, and when they'd been having sex, he'd made him be rough to keep from falling for his soft side. If Ikkaku had been sweet, Yumichika would've been completely done for. Well, Ikkaku was gonna' be sweet as fuck tonight. He grinned widely. Yeah, Yumichika would fall for him too. He knew this game now, and he'd play fair.

Getting in the water, he scrubbed his arms and legs hard with the washcloth, trying to slough off the rough skin and get rid of every trace of dirt and sweat that could've possibly accumulated since last night. Getting soap everywhere he could, Ikkaku thought about how Yumichika might act later on in the night if things went well.

Yumichika was probably going to fall back into his 'asshole' routine if Ikkaku made a wrong move, but if he played his cards right, this might be the start of something really nice.

He had to go meet Yumichika at the theatre at five. He wondered what kind of candy the little shit liked. Maybe Jujubes… Nah… Probably M&M's… Actually, now that Ikkaku thought about it, Yumichika probably wouldn't want candy. He'd want a hot pretzel. That sounded right in his head. Besides, if they got one, they'd have to share. Just another excuse to hold hands and get cozy and close.

Would Yumichika let him hold his hand in the dark?

Fuck, he was in deep. He really wanted this bad, didn't he.

Giving a sigh, Ikkaku got the floor wet as he got out of the shower and scrambled for a new razor under the sink, getting back in and lathering up down below. Just in case, you know? Just in case. Yeah.

Later, he sat on his bed and stretched out his legs. He had laid out his clothes earlier and was looking at them wondering if they were too wrinkled to actually wear out in public. He didn't own an iron, so they'd have to stay like they were. Clipping his toenails, Ikkaku started to think back to how hopeless he might end up being on this date. Because what the fuck was he supposed to actually do? Should he be sweet or mean? He didn't know.

Seriously, his whole dynamic with Yumichika ever since he'd first confessed all those months ago had been built on arguments, and maybe he'd confused that with passion, because even though the little skinny shit was so mean, Ikkaku had still loved him so hard and so painfully. What was he supposed to do now? Would their relationship feel flat somehow without that? It had already been weird enough to have Yumichika be semi-nice to him. Ikkaku almost felt like he was waiting for a bomb to go off or something. He felt like Yumichika was punking him, because this was what he'd dreamed for, mixed with what he'd lived with, and it was fucking weird.

He didn't know how to make Yumichika happy. It was so hit or miss that it was scary.

Ikkaku sighed – he'd been doing that a lot lately – checking himself in the mirror and making sure he had gotten dressed correctly. He looked good, he had to admit. His dress shirt was dark-grey and rolled up around his elbows, and he had black pants on that weren't too tight or too loose. He wasn't going to wear a tie, because he'd felt like that was overdoing it, but he grabbed his nice leather jacket, even though he knew it would be too hot to actually wear it out.

He gave his reflection a wary smile, shifting his weight to the side. He looked pretty good. This might a guy that Yumichika could fall for. He felt really clean, really good, but...

 _Fuck_ , was he nervous.

Grabbing his keys and his jacket, he made sure he had tic-tac's, a fully-charged phone, a condom in his wallet, and money. The drive was about ten minutes, with his hands tight on the steering wheel. When he met Yumichika at five fifteen, the other man had already been waiting, and he could see him putting on chapstick in his car. Ikkaku swallowed hard, before opening his door and walking over, knocking on the window. Yumichika looked up and smiled.

Ikkaku had been really excited earlier, but now that it was time, he was pretty anxious. He was glad they were starting with a movie, since he wouldn't have to flail for something to say just yet.

The movie went by great, since Ikkaku was actually watching it instead of stressing out over how to get his arm around Yumichika's shoulder. He didn't waste time on that stupid 'yawn' move, and just put his arm around him the moment they sat down. Yumichika didn't say a fucking word and let him do it, and Ikkaku was inwardly fist-pumping at the small victory. With that out of the way, there was no pressure at all, and he didn't have to feel weird every time their fingers brushed in the popcorn bowl.

Sometimes it was hard to feel like they were sweethearts or boyfriends or lovers or whatever, because when they talked, they could be quite cruel and mean – even if it was in jest these days – so to be able to hold Yumichika for an hour and a half, completely relaxed like this was pretty nice. He knew things wouldn't stay like this, since they were going out to dinner afterwards, and they'd  _have_  to talk, but it was nice while it lasted.

Yumichika didn't put his head against his shoulder, because sitting down like this, they were pretty much the same height, and Ikkaku didn't blame him for not wanting to get a kink in his neck. Once or twice, Ikkaku jumped at an unexpected explosion, but Yumichika didn't begrudge him the sudden jerk to his shoulders as Ikkaku tensed up and jolted him where he was holding him.

At a couple points, especially the jokes and tense moments, Yumichika would lean into his ear and whisper something relevant, and Ikkaku would listen on and nod, making a noise in reply as warm breath ghosted over his neck. He always had to give a restrained sigh and smile dreamily at times like that, relaxing all over.

There were some jerks sitting behind them, but they stoically ignored it, paying attention to the film. Yumichika was so good at it that it really seemed like he actually couldn't hear a thing they were saying, but that couldn't be, because it was impossible to  _not_  hear these people. At the word 'disgusting', a nerve pinched in Ikkaku's forehead.

It wasn't like they were making out or something, so he didn't know what these people were making such a fuss about. They shut up pretty quick when he turned to glare at them and tell them that he couldn't hear the movie over their homophobia. Yumichika bit his lips hard and wheezed with a silent laugh that he didn't let out as Ikkaku scowled menacingly over their shoulders. Yumichika shook hard and clamped his hands over his mouth to keep from giggling out loud and disturbing anyone else. Ikkaku nudged his foot behind Yumichika's ankle and grinned.

Afterwards, they left the theater holding hands, and Ikkaku tentatively told Yumichika where he'd like to take him to dinner, asking if the place sounded okay. Yumichika snapped his fingers, face lighting up. "Shoot, I have a really nice gift card at my house that I've been meaning to use. Let's go get it," he said brightly, smiling, open and free rather than bitterly like usual, and Ikkaku had to stand there for a minute, staring.

"Uh…" Yumichika watched on for a moment as Ikkaku just stuttered, until he got his brain together again. So, wait, Yumichika actually wasn't going to criticize the place he'd chosen for them to go eat? He'd done something  _right?_

So wait, first Yumichika hadn't been mad that he'd actually spoken up and confronted those idiots sitting behind them, he'd let him hold his shoulders in the theater, and he  _also_  found the restaurant to be acceptable. Ikkaku was three for three, and three was his lucky number. He couldn't stop now. He wasn't gonna' let Yumichika pay for dinner when he was the one taking him out, especially now that he knew that Yumichika actually liked the place.

"Wait, wait, but I wanted to take care of it. I mean, I'm not gonna' make you pay," Ikkaku said uncomfortably. "I know you're not a girl, but... I wanna' take care of it," he repeated. Yumichika just pushed him.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I want to use the card. Besides, you can drive me there to repay me." Ikkaku frowned heavily in confusion, trying to work that out in his head. Wait, so Yumichika was going to leave his car here and then… what, he would drive him back later? So that then he could drive himself home?

Not appreciating his slower mental planning, Yumichika gave an exasperated sigh. "Come on," Yumichika said, getting in his car. "Just follow behind me, and then we'll go eat."

Ikkaku shrugged; what the fuck was wrong with spontaneity? He bolted to his car when Yumichika teasingly honked the horn and started driving off. Little shit. Ikkaku smirked, shaking his head and following behind dutifully until they stopped in the driveway of Yumichika's home. It was a nice place with a porch and window flower-boxes and everything, but he had neighbors really close by.  _Really_  close by, as in, there was hardly room for a trash-can and a bike.

Yumichika practically threw his car into park and flung his front door open, running inside and coming back with his gift card. Ikkaku unlocked his passenger door when Yumichika knocked on the window, and let him get in, cursing himself when he realized that he hadn't  _cleaned his car!_

He'd thought of  _everything_ , but had forgotten this!  _Damnit!_

"Ah, shit, sorry about this," Ikkaku whined as he threw some laundry in the backseat frantically and shoved the rest of his junk onto the floor where Yumichika's feet would go. He hadn't known that Yumichika would end up riding with him and hadn't gotten his car ready. Shit,  _shit!_

Yumichika pursed his lips and sat stiffly on the chair. Ikkaku was glad that he at least had leather seat-covers and crumb-free seat-cushions, along with an air-freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror. He looked at Yumichika despairingly, waiting for a verdict as he looked around the car with mild distaste, especially at the pile of CDs strewn on the floor and the mess of paper and napkins.

"It's not…  _completely_  bad," Yumichika said, voice higher than normal as if he was trying to make himself be less harsh than he would've been otherwise. Ikkaku frowned, but was satisfied enough as he backed out of the driveway. He gave himself a pat on the back for remembering to throw out all of the fast-food trash that he usually left in here. That wouldn't have gone over well.

"It's better on the inside than the out, I suppose," Yumichika eventually admitted, settling down, and Ikkaku relaxed. His car was kind of junky, but it ran just fine, and he'd kept the inside in good condition, and that was the important part.

Yumichika didn't say anything disparaging about his driving skills, since Ikkaku had kept his mild road rage in check tonight, and when they pulled up to the restaurant, Ikkaku reflexively held the door open for him and got them a nice table off to the side, near a window. As they ate dinner, Ikkaku made sure to stay on his absolute best behavior, and was put ill at ease with Yumichika's responses.

Not only had Yumichika refrained from insulting him even once, but the date was going completely  _normally_. They had ordered their food without Yumichika making any disparaging comments about the waitress, the table, the location, the temperature, the food quality, or  _anything._  They'd had a nice conversation speckled with mild flirtation and hand holding. Yumichika had even moved the candle in the center of the table aside so he could lean across and kiss him.

It was driving him mad, because it was so confusing. Yumichika was being very romantic and sweet, but it didn't make any sense to Ikkaku. He wanted to enjoy it, really he did, because this was what he had dreamed of, it was beyond what he'd expected, but it felt like a trap. It couldn't be so easy, right? He was just waiting for him to fuck up so he could deliver the kill blow, probably.

So there they were, talking about the movie and work and Ikkaku's crazy idol and his niece, and Yumichika was gazing at him and nodding every so often, fingers idly stroking his wrist from across the table. Ikkaku had to clear his throat now and then, because damn, Yumichika was really pretty, and it was making his palms sweat.

When it was time for them to go, they left a nice tip and exited holding hands. They drove to a park and sat on a bench in the night air for about half an hour, Yumichika settling against Ikkaku's side and leaning his head against him now, Ikkaku's arm around his shoulder.

"Thank you for taking me out, Ikkaku," Yumichika said with a small yawn, cuddling closer against him, hand on Ikkaku's chest, making his heart speed up.

"Anytime, babe," he said in reply, rather anxiously, but Yumichika just hummed at the pet name and smiled, eyes closed, digging his cheek into his shoulder. Ikkaku held his breath as he slowly crept his hand up Yumichika's side, closer and closer, almost there…

"You're actually a very sweet person," Yumichika mumbled, halting Ikkaku's progress for a minute. He had to pause at that, because he didn't know what the fuck was going on and he couldn't ignore it anymore. How could Yumichika just be so nice to him right now? What accounted for this one-eighty flip?

He suddenly understood why it felt too simple and why it made him uneasy. It was because he didn't  _deserve_ for it to be simple, and he knew it. That's why he'd been trying so hard - to subconsciously try to make up for the guilt he'd been ignoring.

Ikkaku didn't feel like he  _deserved_  to be treated like this, because Yumichika's attitude adjustment had happened after he'd fucked him rough in a freezer. Seriously, what the hell? How was that supposed to make Ikkaku feel? Like some sort of  _sicko!_ Like he'd fucked up Yumichika's head so bad that he'd gotten confused! What kind of man could be happy that their sweetheart had fallen for him because he'd done something that awful? Ikkaku didn't deserve to feel happy that Yumichika liked him back because of  _that._  He didn't feel accomplished, like he'd finally succeeded and gotten what he'd wanted so badly.

He felt  _abusive._

He gave a sigh, wincing to himself, and replied, "You too… I really like you… and… I just wanted to say," he continued with apprehension, seeing Yumichika lift up his head to meet his eyes curiously. He was so beautiful,  _so_  beautiful.

He wanted Yumichika to love him, but he didn't want him to fall for him for the wrong reasons.

"I won't ever treat you like that again," Ikkaku said lowly, "Like I did that day, I mean. I'll never hurt you, I promise. Not your heart, not your body." He meant that with everything he had. Yumichika gave a silent laugh, face spreading in a smile, eyes flicking down.

"So sweet," Yumichika repeated quietly, shaking his head as he looked back up to Ikkaku, slowly snaking his arms around his neck. Ikkaku let out a shaky breath, in disbelief as he let his own arms wrap around Yumichika's back. He'd never thought he'd get an intimate embrace like this from Yumichika, and pushing his luck, he ran one hand up to the side of Yumichika's face, feeling his pulse point and then sliding his fingers into his hair just as Yumichika leaned forward to kiss him.

He gave a sigh, kissing back firmly, both hands now enmeshed in Yumichika's hair, which was every bit as silky, soft, and sweet-smelling as he'd ever hoped. Somehow though, his gut was clenched up in anxiety and his brain was telling him something was going to go wrong. There had to be more to this. Something was bound to happen. It was just too simple, too flat, too bland almost.

It should've been more difficult, more difficult to get Yumichika to trust him, to let him in, to change his ways, but it had happened in one night, and Yumichika was holding him like he loved him more than anything. It should've given Ikkaku confidence, strength, but it didn't feel quite right. He'd known that Yumichika probably had a brain that wasn't wired right for normal romance, but he didn't want it to be that way. Ikkaku didn't feel good about this, was this  _guilt?_

Yumichika had forgiven him for that junk that he'd done. It had been a week, and it had been the best of his life, but somehow he couldn't enjoy it.

* * *

A bell jingled as Renji shouldered open the door to the café, letting Ichigo in beside him so he could go pick out a table. Ichigo sat down hurriedly, ducking his head like he was afraid someone would recognize him, even though he'd picked a place that was obscured from the outside windows and the rest of the shop because of a big pillar and halfway-down window-blinds. It was pretty private, but still, it was a public place and Ichigo felt like everyone would  _know._

He'd finally let Renji drag him on that date. Sure, it was he who had brought up the point that Renji should take him out to dinner, but this wasn't dinner. Dinner could be a social thing, a business thing, a long-time-friends-reconnecting thing, but a milkshake date was exactly that. It was a  _date_  and nothing else.

Ichigo had told Renji exactly what he'd do if he came back with only one glass and two straws, so Renji came back with two. Strawberry-banana for him, vanilla with coconut for Ichigo. Ichigo grabbed his glass the moment it was set down and jammed the straw in his mouth so he'd have an excuse not to say anything. Renji gave him a fond smile that made Ichigo's shoulders bunch up as he sat down, practically draping himself over the chair. He was as relaxed as a big cat lounging in the jungle and it made Ichigo really irritated.

Renji stretched his legs out and took a sip of his drink, poking Ichigo's ankle with his foot teasingly. Ichigo glared, but didn't say anything, and Renji rubbed him a little, smiling in a way that wasn't teasing or lecherous at all. Renji was being too fucking nice and it was making it impossible for Ichigo to think of a logical reason to be mad.

The guy was just too damn affectionate. There. He was mad because Renji always had to be touching on him, didn't he.

It wasn't even that he was being overly sweet and sappy now, because his attitude and demeanor was the same as ever. He was still a fucking asshole who pushed Ichigo's buttons like crazy and teased him like he did that day. It's just that the touches were there way more and there was more affection in his gaze, his words were more caring at times. The touches were causal, maybe overly familiar, maybe even loving, but the way Renji was so nonchalant about it, like it wasn't even a big deal, that was what made it so weird. It wasn't like there had been some huge shift in his behavior, almost like this was just a facet of him that had always been there but he'd never seen.

Ichigo let out a slow breath, because he knew that Renji had wanted this for a long time, and didn't exactly want to ruin it for him or something. He scootched in closer to the table, and to his chagrine, Renji did too, taking his hand and asking if he wanted to trade drinks to try a taste. Ichigo nodded and stuck his straw in Renji's drink, taking a sip, displeased when their foreheads knocked together. Renji just raised his eyebrows in false innocence, drinking it at the same time, and Ichigo gave a groan and leaned back again.

He felt ridiculous.

Renji just gave a low chuckle, rubbing Ichigo's knuckles with his thumb. "You're so shy, man," he teased, and Ichigo just growled at him in reply. "Since when do you get shy when it doesn't involve boobs?"

"I'm not shy, I just don't want people to see," he hissed, looking around and leaning around the pillar to see if anyone was coming. The bathrooms were right behind their table, so someone was bound to walk by them eventually. Renji gave him a brief look, smile fading just slightly as the look on his face said something like, 'see  _what_  exactly?'

"Don't tell me you're ashamed to be seen with me," Renji jibed, grinning toothily, and Ichigo just rolled his eyes, leaning his face on his hand, elbow on the table.

"Who  _wouldn't_  be embarrassed of you?!" he whisper-shrieked aggressively, not meaning it in the least, and Renji let out a loud laugh that made Ichigo slap him.

"No one's gonna' say anything, and if they do, don't let it bother you. It's not like we're grinding against the wall," Renji reminded, "We're not wearing rainbow bands. We're just having a drink."

"That'd be so reassuring if this was alcohol and not a smoothie. People will totally know.  _Everyone knows,_ " Ichigo insisted, face aflame and pressed into his palms. Renji looked concerned then, dropping his teasing attitude for a minute.

"C'mon man, what's wrong with you? Since when has confrontation bothered you? If someone starts pickin' shit, we'll handle it and set 'em straight. There's nothin' wrong with what we are," he insisted, almost looking proud of the two of them as he laced their fingers together. Ichigo grit his teeth.

"Oh yeah? And what are we?"

"Dating," Renji said simply, looking slightly cautious like Ichigo might say that they aren't. "We're dating, and the only people whose business it is, is  _us_ , so don't worry about what people are thinking. They don't matter. They're not part of this," he reminded, "and if they think they somehow are involved and get to tell you what they think's okay, you can make 'em stop being nosy, with these." He held up his fists. Ichigo nodded.

"I… I  _guess_  I could just kick their asses." Yes, this imaginary 'they' had been plaguing his thoughts a lot lately. What would people think of him now? He already had this bright hair that everyone thought was dyed, and now if he was seen holding hands with a dude, people would rightly assume that he was taking it up the ass.

It just upset him, because he knew if people thought they were in a relationship, no matter what, they'd always assume that he was the bottom. They'd be right, of course, but he didn't want people to know that. Renji was taller than him by a little, broader by a little, tougher looking by a little, and Ichigo knew that even if he looked tough next to Uryu, tough on his own, when he was next to  _Renji,_  he'd always be seen as the bottom. It ate away at him like crazy.

It hadn't been easy to let Renji dominate him, to give up that control, and he didn't want people to know that he'd given in. He wanted people to see the tough person that he was, the one who could beat you up in a second flat. He didn't want people to know that someone like him had submit. He and Renji were both Alphas, and he didn't want people to know that  _he'd_  been the one to cave.

He felt like he'd die of shame if they knew.

Seeing his distress, Renji reached out and brushed an errant piece of orange hair down for him. "Look… Ichigo, Hey." Ichigo looked in his eyes reluctantly. "The only ones you should be worried about are our friends and your family, and do you really think they'd reject you or think a' you differently? You won't have to give up your life to be with me," Renji promised softly. "Nothing will change if you don't let it. We're the same people… There'll just be more shit-talkers, but you don't have to give a fuck about that if you don't want to. You don't have to give them power over you. You never did before, so why start now."

Ichigo gave a half-shrug, but in honesty, that had made him feel a lot better.

Renji smiled in satisfaction and leaned back in his chair slightly, taking the straw out of his drink and chugging half of it in one go, wiping a little bit of pink off of his upper lip afterwards. "Whew. It is fucking _hot_  out today, yeah?"

"Mhm."

"Even my dick is sweating."

"You are fucking nasty," Ichigo said, feeling less cranky now, letting Renji's feet entangle with his as they talked about organizing some kind of beach outing with all their friends soon. They'd postponed last year's volley-ball death match against Ikkaku and Iba, and it was time to slaughter them once and for all.

They spent about an hour there, and Renji was still acting like his newly affectionate self, making Ichigo pretty uncomfortable, but it was bearable. It wasn't like Ichigo to suffer silently through something, but he knew it would be more of a hassle if he made a racket and drew more attention to them by yelling at Renji to  _stop touching him so much._

Walking back to their apartment was hell. It was really hot outside, and  _muggy_ too, so by the time they were back, greeted with a blast of hot air when they opened the door, Renji clomped inside and announced, "I've been waiting to do this all day," and then fucking stripped down in the middle of their living room before Ichigo could hardly close the door.

"Aw fuck dude, don't just get naked. C'mon!" Ichigo griped.

"Quit fucking screaming. It's my house too, and I'm gonna' cool off if I want to."

It was a crime to wear tightey-whities past the age of ten in Ichigo's eyes, but they were a legitimate athletic support and looked good on certain kinds of men, and Renji was one of those few guys who could pull it off. Damn, could he make cheap from-a-package underwear look good. Ichigo swallowed hard and told himself to look away as Renji pulled his jeans off from around his ankles, long thigh muscles flexing and glistening just slightly from sweat. He shucked his shirt off and threw it on the ground, sitting down heavily on the couch and fanning himself, chest and abdomen heaving with every breath, causing the light to catch on the wet patches.

Annnnd just like that, he was hard.

Ichigo pursed his lips, stood there for a moment more, and then walked away. Fuck his life.

"C'mon and watch TV with me," Renji called, pulling off his socks and letting his big feet rest on the coffee table, leaving a sweat imprint. Yeah, now that he was lethargic and spread out like that, Ichigo knew there would be no moving him for the rest of the day. After standing there for another dazed moment, viewing those dark crisp tattoos and the beaded moisture all over his tan skin, he snapped himself back to alertness and noted that their creator had done a mighty fine job on this one. He was the picture of masculinity and casual power lurking just beneath the surface, like a tiger taking a nap. Yeah, Ichigo was absolutely fucking _done_  for; it was official, he was attracted to a man, and there was no getting around it. Just looking at him right now was making Ichigo's inner beast go  _'rrrr!'_

Ichigo cautiously took his shoes off and crashed on the couch next to Renji, who put his arm around his shoulder. Ichigo dodged his sweaty armpit, but let his arm stay there while Renji put on '47 Ronin'.

Renji had been treating him really nice at home, making them breakfast and shit and hugging him on the couch, maybe giving him a shoulder-rub when he was tense, and Ichigo was still struggling to get used to the fact that it seemed like he had no personal space bubble anymore. Renji didn't actively try to get in his pants _all_  the time and would back off when Ichigo said 'no', but the thought was always lingering there, making him wonder just how lust-driven Renji really was when he did these things. It didn't  _seem_  like he was being nice just to get him in bed, but sometimes Ichigo wondered. Anything but it being  _love_  sounded more logical.

Anyway, whenever Renji shifted or pressed his damp leg against Ichigo's side, it made Ichigo's hard-on get a little tighter, a little more pressing, until you would've had to be blind not to notice it. Unfortunately for Ichigo, Renji was pretty focused on this movie and was leaning his head against his absently, which was the kind of personal attention that Ichigo could tolerate: closeness without the direct focus. It was completely different when Renji was holding his hand and doing that eye-gazing thing. This was better, with Renji watching something else while he held him and stroked his arm. Maybe it wasn't so much the attention that bothered Ichigo, but that he didn't know how to react properly to it, so it was much easier to handle being touched when Renji wasn't watching his responses.

Ichigo couldn't have told you jack shit about the movie, eyes honing in on this singular drop of sweat that was slowly carving its way down between Renji's pectorals. It was agonizing to watch it move just a tiny bit with each of Renji's breaths, muscles defining and relaxing. Sweat was pooling in the dip of his collar bones, and when he leaned forward, it started to leak down and force that drop to run all the way down his belly in one smooth motion, eventually being soaked into the waistband of his underwear. Ichigo swallowed, looking at the large outline in the white fabric, the trail of dark red hair that extended up to his bellybutton and the sharp 'V' of muscle that cut straight down from his hips and dipped between his legs.

Apparently he'd made some sort of broken strangled noise, because Renji was looking at him now, obviously noticing his arousal. Renji gave a soft hum of acknowledgement and turned the volume of the movie down slightly, gently biting Ichigo's ear and mouthing at his neck. Ichigo tried to dodge, grimacing, but his resistance crumbled when Renji's big strong hand cupped the front of his jeans, squeezing and massaging the hard bulge that was  _begging_  for air.

Renji didn't make any teasing comments about his stamina or his self-control, nor did he rib him about being insatiable or that of  _course_  he was hard if he was watching  _him._  He just hopped off the couch, a hand going underneath each of Ichigo's thighs as he pulled him forward, moving inbetween his legs. Ichigo let out a restrained sigh when Renji bit at the front of his crotch and slowly unzipped his pants, pulling them down.

Ichigo grit his teeth hard in relief when his erection got some air, still straining against the stretchy fabric of his grey boxer briefs. Renji rubbed him firmly, biting teasingly at the waistband and pulling it down his legs with both hands, finally freeing his arousal. Ichigo let out a gasp when Renji made a fist around the base, which pretty much swallowed the entire thing in his hand, leaving only the tip exposed for Renji to tease with his tongue. Ichigo took one moment to meet his dark brown eyes; they were bright and unashamed as he sucked on the head of his erection. Ichigo watched for a few seconds before the pleasure became too much and he let his head flop back onto the couch, hands going to the sides of Renji's head.

Renji had done this before, of course, but Ichigo didn't think he was even close to getting used to it. It still felt like the first time, hot and wet, and with just the right amount of pressure from his teeth. He didn't think there was anything in the world that could feel better than Renji's mouth. Ichigo bit his lip hard, rubbing Renji's hair to try to ground himself. Soon he just held Ichigo straight by making a ring with his thumb and forefinger while he took him in with deep rhythmic strokes, twisting his head each time.

This time it wasn't like before though. It wasn't with frantic urgent motions like when he'd just wanted to prepare Ichigo to go further. No, this was slow and deliberate, romantic even. Renji was stroking his leg with one hand and moving his tongue lazily but with extreme care, thinking out every motion as he looked up into Ichigo's eyes. Ichigo's gut clenched up as he kept alternating between throwing his head back in bliss and curling up again to watch and stroke Renji's cheek with shaking knuckles. It went on for a few minutes, Renji obviously enjoying this just as much as Ichigo was, caressing his legs lovingly, occasionally licking up the side of the shaft as he pumped it and then kissed Ichigo's tummy.

Ichigo let out a strangled moan when Renji finally took him back inside, going all the way down once, really slowly, enough that Ichigo could consciously feel when he breached the ring of muscle of his throat. Ichigo held his breath and he swore he could feel his brain cells dying by the thousands as Renji moved his head from side to side slightly and exhaled, his nose pressing down against his lower stomach.

With a muffled cough, he pulled back, sucking with increasing pressure when he came back to the tip, landing a gentle kiss there that made Ichigo breathless. A noise that he would've been otherwise embarrassed about escaped him, and Renji laughed lowly, smiling widely as he blew a cooling trail over him and then smiled again at the pleased sigh he received. Ichigo gave a dazed smile in return, muscles relaxing all over, turning to goo. Things made sense at moments like these. Things felt right when Renji was looking at him like this. Nothing that felt so good could be wrong. When Ichigo felt this way, being intimate wasn't a scary thing. It felt like it was love when he was doing this. He never wanted to do it with anyone else.

"Renji…" Ichigo exhaled, eyes drifting shut for a moment in bliss as he panted, sweat breaking out on his chest and sticking his shirt to his body. He stroked Renji's face and watched him pleasure him, such an erotic sight. It still embarrassed him to look for extended amounts of time if it got too intense, but a secret part of him really loved to watch.

Renji's breaths were bordering on hums now, and then he let out an audible one, deep and long, vibrating his hard-on and letting Ichigo hear just how much desire he felt for him. It sent a sharp chill down Ichigo's spine, and he let out a tense moan, rubbing his hand clumsily over Renji's forehead and around the base of his ponytail, trying to push him down in desperation.

Renji didn't let him, gently taking his hand away and lacing their fingers, moving back to suck gently at the tip of his penis and run his tongue around it in a circle before sucking him back in in one smooth slow motion, going all the way down. Oh, that felt really good, and Ichigo let out a soft sigh. "Getting close," he warned. Renji nodded, not backing off.

"Oooh," Ichigo exhaled in desperation, voice choked. "Ohhh," he moaned, hands on both sides of Renji's head for a moment, gripping tight and then sporadically moving to his shoulders, then to the couch cushions on either side of him, then jamming under his own thighs to make them sit still. Renji gave the tiniest smile and didn't increase his slow pace, hungrily growling in the back of his throat and giving him another kiss on the side of his shaft as he stroked leisurely. Ichigo thought he would die if he came from slow contact. He needed it faster or the pleasure would be much too sharp, too deep for him to handle. This orgasm was going to be powerful, and he could already feel it mounting.

Renji was sucking on him again, and his tongue felt so good that Ichigo's eyes were wet with moisture. He couldn't sit still, and by now he was begging mentally for it to continue. "Renji, if you don't want a mouthful, you've gotta-" he cut himself off with a tight groan as Renji stroked him into his mouth, hand coordinating effortlessly with his lips and hot tongue. "Aaah," he moaned, voice going gritty and clenched as his balls tightened up. "Nngh," he gasped, convulsing, and Renji sucked on him until the very last moment, at which he pulled back and let Ichigo's cum roll down his fingers, continuing to pump him firmly throughout his orgasm, which just about made Ichigo cry from the intensity.

" _Ah!"_  he shouted, pushing Renji's hand back when the aftershocks became too strong, and he lay there shaking, hair dark from sweat, slowly coming down from the peak, breath becoming slower and easier. Renji wiped away the semen with his discarded shirt, not seeming to mind at all since it was going in the laundry anyway, and Ichigo just let out a shuddery warning moan when the fabric rubbed over his sensitive parts. Renji smiled at him, licking his lips and patting his leg gently, like he enjoyed seeing how much pleasure he'd been able to bring him, and not even in a lustful way. Renji's eyes were too soft right then, too tender, and it put Ichigo back on earth almost immediately.

Renji leaned forward to kiss him, holding his face with one hand and pressing their lips together with just the tiniest bit of tongue. He broke it with a hum, then pecking Ichigo on the cheek, grinning. "You're too cute, kid," he mumbled, causing Ichigo to glare at him. Renji just chuckled and kissed his nose again, pawing at the front of his own underwear with a slow sigh. Ichigo's eyes darted down that muscular gleaming body then, seeing that Renji was hard, very hard.

He asked if Ichigo would help him out, but Ichigo scratched the back of his neck, avoiding his gaze. What had that been? That hadn't been lust at all between them at that time, and already Ichigo felt very threatened, like he'd made a horrible mistake. That hadn't been Renji trying to get it over with as fast as possible so they could progress, no, that had been Renji loving him, being intimate and close and making him feel every bit of it.

"Actually, I've gotta' get started on dinner," Ichigo said flatly, looking the other way as he stood and did up his pants.

Renji gave him a long look, his eyes seeming to be staring right into him. His expression was indecipherable, and Ichigo couldn't see disappointment, frustration, anger,  _or_  acceptance. Renji was analyzing him, and Ichigo felt like there were bugs crawling down his arms. Finally, Renji shrugged, closed his eyes and raised his eyebrows. "Okay, man. Tell me when those ribs are done, and I'll cut them apart, since you're useless with a knife." With that, he lay back on the sofa and turned the TV volume back up, leaving his erection alone like it wasn't even bothering him. Ichigo stood there for a moment staring in apprehension.

That was  _it?_  Renji was just gonna' be okay with him doing something like that? That just made him feel like the biggest asshole in the world, and maybe that's what he was. He'd deliberately dodged returning the favor, but Renji had just  _let_  him.

"Yeah fucking right," Ichigo mumbled in reply to Renji, "See if you're saying that when I slit your throat." Renji didn't turn around, but made his hand make a bla-bla-bla motion over the edge of the couch at him. Ichigo just gave a grunt and a dazed shake of his head, legs still weak from the aftermath of the pleasure. Some part of him felt like he should be cuddled up to Renji right now, mixing their sweat and enjoying the after-glow, but it still seemed so wrong to the rational part of his brain.

That thing in Renji's eye, that passionate deep thing, Ichigo didn't feel that. He must not feel that, because surely he'd notice something that big and powerful? He must not really be in love. He didn't feel this love thing that Renji did. When Renji said he loved him, he said it like it was the truest thing in the world, but Ichigo couldn't be more confused.

He wasn't sure of what this was, like Renji was. Moreover, he didn't feel like he deserved the tender affection in Renji's eyes or the sweet gestures. He deserved to have Renji be that cocky uncaring shit he was the first day, the one that had made Ichigo yearn for love his in his touch, long for sweet words. At least then, he'd been sure of what he'd wanted.

He sighed, looking back to Renji again, who'd by now killed his erection from getting back into watching his movie. Ichigo knew he should be over there returning the favor, but he didn't have the heart to speak up about it. Wouldn't it be dishonest to pretend like he wanted to when he didn't? He didn't want to give Renji false hope. He was starting to wonder if he was ever going to be sure about this, if he was ever going to wake up in the morning and look at Renji's face and think, ' _I absolutely love this man.'_

Ichigo had thought that love was supposed to be a sure thing, something you know the moment you feel it, but it wasn't like that, and he was starting to regret this whole thing had ever happened.

He had to get his shit together real soon, or he was just gonna' end up continuing with leading Renji on like this. It was only gonna' get worse, and Ichigo knew that, and he couldn't hide what he didn't feel forever, and he knew that too, but for the life of him, he didn't want to let go just yet.

* * *

_Whoops, I think I got too close,  
_ _Cause' now he's telling me I'm the boy that he likes most._


	3. Chapter 3

_There's a drumming noise inside my head,_   
_That starts when you're around_

_I swear that you should hear it_   
_It makes such an all mighty sound_

_Louder than sirens_  
 _Louder than bells_  
 _Sweeter than heaven_  
 _And_ hotter _than hell_

* * *

The drive back to Yumichika's house was pleasant and silent, and Ikkaku realized that although Yumichika had been yawning earlier, he was far from sleepy. Ikkaku walked him to his front door and was invited inside. Immediately, his heart kicked into high gear, pumping hard when he realized just what Yumichika wanted. Yes, Yumichika was prowling around inside of him already, like a panther, and it made sense why the little shit wasn't sleepy, because panthers are nocturnal. Ikkaku was gonna' be awake all night, wasn't he, unless this was some sort of joke. "Are you coming in?" Yumichika asked when Ikkaku didn't respond in a timely manner.

Holy shit.

His date smiled coyly and took two of his fingers in his own hand and pulled him inside, shutting the door behind him. Not letting go of his hand, Ikkaku took a quick look around. Yumichika's apartment was nice, but it was actually pretty lonely looking. One chair at the table, a couple plants on the window-sill, normal living-room furnishings, a hallway and a staircase. Yumichika didn't look like he got visitors often.

Looking back to him, Yumichika smiled wider, eyes teasing and inviting him in. He gave a wriggle of his body, saying slyly, "Well?" Ikkaku watched on for a minute, and Yumichika opened his arms. "Come and get me, then," he purred, and Ikkaku could practically hear the intense rush of blood in his ears as his pulse increased. Oh, holy  _shit._

He grabbed Yumichika's wrists roughly and slammed him into the door, pressing his hard body against his smaller one, rubbing one thigh in-between Yumichika's legs as he kissed him deeply. He didn't think he'd ever felt so hungry, so happy. Yumichika's arms snaked under his, up around his back, nails digging pleasantly between his shoulder blades, and Ikkaku's initial burst of eagerness wore down slightly. He was gonna' do this slow and hot, completely the opposite of that first time; if he could get Yumichika to fall in love with him for  _this_  time, then everything would be perfect.

He squatted to get his hands embedded in the fleshy parts of Yumichika's thighs, hitching him effortlessly around his waist, holding him close as Yumichika hummed against his mouth where the bedroom was. Yumichika's legs were strong and would've held on where they were wrapped around him all on their own, but Ikkaku still kept his grip there, immensely attracted by the smooth flexing, powerful enough that his sides ached. Fuck.  _F_ _uck._

Ikkaku didn't break their lip-lock as he took them upstairs, keeping one eye open to watch where he was going, but maintaining his focus on caressing Yumichika's back with both hands. Last time had been so unfulfilling. Yumichika hadn't touched him a bit, he'd been facing the other way, and he'd been so cruel. He hadn't gotten to appreciate Yumichika's body; Ikkaku wanted to see every piece of him, his bare skin, his body laid out on the bed. He wanted to see the imperfections that were surely there, the ones he was never close enough to spot. He wanted to be inside again, to enjoy it and go slow, to have his steam come from pleasuring the two of them instead of being too pissed to do anything but rut. Ikkaku wanted to make love this time, all night long.

Ikkaku slowed as he neared a slightly open door and then set Yumichika down, holding his face more gently as he kissed him like he'd die without him. Oh, he wanted this so badly. He wanted to show Yumichika that this was what he'd felt all along, that he'd never break his heart and that he could be trusting towards him without having to worry.

It wouldn't be rough this time. He wouldn't let Yumichika goad him into being rough or making it hurt so that he didn't have to see his sweet side. No, he'd be passionate and it would make Yumichika fall in love with him. He'd show him that to love someone wasn't something that should make you miserable. He'd show him that this was okay, that it was safe.

Yumichika seemed to already know that. Maybe that was why he'd been so nice lately. Yumichika knew he didn't have to chase him away anymore and was letting him in… letting him  _in._ Ikkaku swallowed and rubbed Yumichika's arms. He'd felt so good inside last time, and Ikkaku was going to make this perfect. Last time hadn't counted, but this, this was for real, their first time as lovers. It was a lot of pressure, but he'd prepared for this.

Yumichika kept kissing him, and his tongue was like velvet as he moved backwards into his room, legs hitting the bed and collapsing, lying on the mattress, letting Ikkaku crawl over him.

Ikkaku eagerly ran his hands over Yumichika's willing body, kissing him with fervor, and as he moved on to his neck and ear, Yumichika let out this little restrained noise that made him freeze, taken right back to that day where he'd shoved him against the wall and ground his skin raw against the ice. He shook himself back to reality pretty quickly and ran his hands up Yumichika's chest and sides, hitching his arms underneath Yumichika's and holding them together. He wouldn't fuck up this time. He was going to make those noises be because of pleasure. Giving a low hum, he ran his tongue over Yumichika's earlobe, nipping and then moving back to lock their lips, kissing him insistently. Damn, Yumichika was a good kisser.

Suddenly, as Yumichika wrapped his legs around him and pressed their hips together, Ikkaku realized that he wasn't getting hard. He tried to ignore it, continuing with kissing Yumichika a little slower, but his distress rose as his thoughts began running in a continuous loop as he thought of Yumichika hissing in pain, even _crying_  when he put it inside this time. It was different before when he'd done it and hurt him, because he'd been so mad that he hadn't cared, but thinking of doing it again, oh, he felt sick.

He could see it there in his mind's eye, he could see himself doing it that day, shoving Yumichika's face into the floor, holding him against the wall and thrusting with every bit of his power, hard,  _too_ hard, hearing Yumichika's resounding gasp of pain along with that big smacking sound of their bodies hitting each other. He'd lost his cool, and had done that on purpose with the  _intention_ of hurting him. Ikkaku's fingers started curling into fists involuntarily.

Yumichika's hands were on his back, stroking him alluringly, and he was so soft and pliant beneath him that Ikkaku tried, really tried to let desire take over. He wanted this so bad, and he had to have it. He ground their bodies together, trying to stimulate himself to hardness as he sucked on Yumichika's pulse-point, gaining another little sound, a moan of absolute pleasure and bliss. Yumichika was in bed with his assailant. Ikkaku's stomach flipped sharply, and it took everything he had not to vomit right there. He was so disgusting. He was a fucking creep.

His throat was tight with emotion now. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve for Yumichika to offer himself up like this. He didn't deserve Yumichika's hard-won trust. He couldn't stop thinking about it now. If he could do that in a moment of anger, if he could use that kind of force on Yumichika because he'd gotten a little too mad, what might he do the next time? If Yumichika could goad him into doing something so morally reprehensible as that, what might happen the next time? If Yumichika could egg him on like that, what would he be capable of if he lost control? What if the next time, he lost it and was so rough that Yumichika broke, that he begged him to stop? What if he  _didn't_  stop?

Ikkaku's hands stalled where he was touching Yumichika, moving to the mattress instead. Yumichika held onto him, kissing him on the mouth, entwining their tongues. Ikkaku kissed back, eyes open, looking down at Yumichika's sweet face. The annoying little bastard had finally opened his heart up, he'd admitted that he was scared of being hurt, that he'd tried to keep him away, and now Ikkaku knew better. Yumichika's twisted heart had sought out someone who would treat him badly, hadn't it…

Ikkaku felt like jumping in front of a train.

He tried, he really did, he tried to feel something, because he could tell Yumichika wanted it and he didn't want to disappoint him. He wanted to do it and do it right, because if Yumichika had liked him when he was rough, he'd really fall for him this time, but Ikkaku couldn't get himself started. After a few more minutes of rolling around and trying to forget, trying to kiss him and let lust take over, Ikkaku accepted that it just wasn't happening. He couldn't get it up, and in absolute humiliation, he pulled off of Yumichika and turned away, sitting at the edge of the bed. He covered his eyes with a hand, unable to look at his disheveled partner, ruffled in all the right places, so ready, so ready for  _him._

He just couldn't do it.

"I… I gotta' go," he said, so ashamed that he wished that the bed would swallow him like it had swallowed Glen Lantz. He felt like a pitiful excuse for a man.

Yumichika sat up and put a hand on his back, pressing his body against him. Ikkaku cringed away, trying to hide his problem. He rubbed his shoulder, seeming to think that Ikkaku wasn't feeling ready, or maybe guilty, but probably not getting that he physically couldn't give him what he wanted. Ikkaku didn't know which was worse. "Won't you stay? What's the matter all of a sudden?"

Ikkaku tried to pull away then, voice cracking in distress, "I've just gotta' go,  _okay?_ "

Yumichika saw then, Ikkaku knew that he'd seen, because his face became sympathetic and understanding. He'd expected Yumichika to jump on his weakness like a shark when it smelled blood, but no, Yumichika felt _bad_  for him, he felt bad that he was embarrassed, and it just  _killed him._ Ikkaku grit his teeth, shaking his head with a growl. He didn't want that. He didn't want Yumichika to feel bad for him. He shouldn't feel bad for him. Ikkaku deserved to feel guilty and awful for what he'd done and he didn't want Yumichika to think he owed him anything.

God, but this was so humiliating.

"Ikkaku…" Yumichika said soothingly, eyebrows scrunching, "Ikkaku, it's okay," he tried to say, but Ikkaku stood up, Yumichika still holding onto his wrist.

"Let go," he said, and Yumichika did, looking up to him with an indecipherable expression. "I'll see you later, okay?" He met Yumichika's eyes then, cheeks burning. He'd never been so embarrassed. How could he have let this happen? It wasn't like Yumichika wasn't a desirable creature, but Ikkaku just couldn't hold onto that spark. His body wouldn't listen, and it just made him feel worse and worse. He had to take care of this, and quick, because Yumichika surely wouldn't want to stay with him if he'd become useless as a man.

"I've just got some shit to work out. I'll call you," he promised, turning away. Yumichika nodded, seeming disappointed then, meek almost.

"Okay," he agreed. "Goodnight, sweetheart," he called as Ikkaku left. Ikkaku winced, screwing his eyes shut as he heard that and descended the stairs. He couldn't believe he'd just blown things so bad. He'd had what he wanted in his arms, Yumichika willing and ready, and he hadn't been able to get it up. What the hell was Yumichika thinking about him now? He couldn't fucking believe this.

When he got in his car, he punched the dashboard so hard that it left a dent. Fucking fuck.

* * *

"Ah, ah,  _ah_ ,  _ahh!"_  Ichigo moaned, a pillow underneath his front as he gripped the mattress and pushed his rear into the air, relishing each smooth thrust of Renji's hips. His body jolted forward each time Renji's thighs hit his ass, sending a flare of pleasure through him as Renji's thick cock pounded within him.

"Nnn," Renji groaned, getting closer, Ichigo could tell by now. They'd done it enough times to hear when he was about to cum, and as always, Renji stayed inside to the bitter end, refusing to pull out until he absolutely had to.

Ichigo moaned louder and louder in his bliss, grabbing Renji's arm and tugging him down over him, pleased when he felt the hot slam of Renji's weight against his back, his sweaty chest molding against him perfectly. Yes, this made sense. This was right. This was where he felt at home, with Renji inside him, so close together with him that it was like they were one person. You couldn't get any closer than that, and Ichigo liked it this way.

"Aaahh," Renji groaned. He was usually a quiet guy other than hitches in his breath and low grunts, but he let out noises when it was almost over. "Ichigo," he gasped, lacing their fingers on both sides, lifting his hips as much as he could to keep thrusting into him, not willing to stop yet.

"Not yet, more, more, more, more," Ichigo begged, repeating himself with each pounding of Renji's hips, each going so deep and so smoothly that it was amazing.

"Gah, you know what you do to me when you sound like that?" Renji growled in his ear, grabbing him under his thighs and flipping them backwards, rolling gently so that Ichigo's teeth didn't clack together. Renji was on his back then, Ichigo laying on top of him, tummy-up, holding his legs in the air as he thrust up into him.

Ichigo tried to hold on, then, not wanting it to be over yet, even though precum was leaking so profusely from his erection that you would've thought he'd already cum. Renji hummed in his ear, the baritone resonating through Ichigo's ribcage and making him whimper just slightly.

"I'm gonna' make you melt," Renji said huskily, lips brushing against his earlobe. Ichigo's eyes fluttered, and he couldn't restrain the noise that fought its way out of his chest. Renji patted the side of his leg, and Ichigo took a moment to find the strength to sit up, turning around in Renji's lap, placing a hand on either broad shoulder, digging his fingers into Renji's meaty deltoids.

Renji directed his cock between Ichigo's legs, taking a moment to pop back inside, grabbing Ichigo's hips and moving him back over his arousal leisurely with a low hum and a smile. Ichigo was breathless, simply holding himself up as Renji adjusted and began rolling his hips in a continuous rhythm, never breaking his pace even once, speeding up ever so slightly with each thrust. His mouth curled with the tiniest smile as Renji grinned up at him, licking his lips.

Renji ran his hands up over Ichigo's muscled back and arms, leaning up to kiss him and pull him down to him, and Ichigo just put up with it, head fitting into the crook of Renji's shoulder while Renji bit and sucked at his exposed neck. Renji let out a passionate hum, moving Ichigo back so he could kiss him on the mouth and hold his face with one hand, the other holding the joint of Ichigo's thigh and hip, keeping them moving down below.

Ichigo really did feel like he was melting, like Renji was turning him into a quivering puddle. All the other times they'd had sex, Ichigo still hadn't had an orgasm from this weird feeling he got when Renji was inside of him. It had always been stimulation to his erection, but this time was different. Renji was insistent, hitting his prostate every time like he knew he was getting it, like he knew that Ichigo was so close to breaking.

Ichigo just held on and gritted his teeth, pushing his hips back as much as he could without completely falling apart. It was getting to be too much, and just when he thought he would go mad, the pleasure peaked and broke, sending euphoria crashing through him. Renji kept thrusting and hitting that spot within him, harder and harder, and Ichigo's vision went completely fuzzy for a moment or two, his breath cutting off as he tried to process this new sensation. It wasn't like a regular orgasm at all, but, oh, it was so intense. At that moment, he promised himself he'd never leave Renji, not someone who could make him feel like this. He wanted this every night, every single night.

Finally, he came back to reality, feeling Renji still thrusting away inside him, finally grunting and sitting up, flipping them back so that Ichigo was laying on the bed, Renji over him and pushing his long legs back. Ichigo just lay there, coming down from his high and trying to catch his breath, feeling Renji's erection get harder within him suddenly, tensing. Ichigo dazedly moved his arms up around Renji's neck, rubbing his thumbs along Renji's damp jawline, giving a weary smile and a noise of encouragement. Renji bit his own lip hard, color rising in his cheeks, a muscle tightening near his jaw.

"AAhh," Renji grunted, not pulling out until he was on the very edge of orgasm. He yanked back after one last hard thrust and came immediately, semen hitting Ichigo's stomach as he panted and shook with the pleasure.

Renji let out a long sigh then, laying down slowly next to him, pulling his hot sweaty body against his. Ichigo stared at the ceiling, heart slowing down gradually, backside pulsating, but not with the same pain as it had when he'd lost his virginity. He had to wonder what he was doing with his life, getting fucked in a tiny bed by a guy. Renji hummed lowly, smiling lazily and kissing his neck every so often, peppering his skin. He had to admit that his screwed up life choices felt nice.

The sweat made the humid air feel cooler for once, and the bed was like a furnace, but Renji wouldn't get up, holding Ichigo tenderly like he always did afterwards. He rubbed Ichigo's chest and trailed his finger through his own cum a little bit, then moving his hand to Ichigo's hip to hold him against him securely.

Renji touched his cheek to turn his face in for a slow passionate kiss, and Ichigo broke away after a moment, moving away a few inches for some air. It was just too hot to cuddle. Renji let out a long exhale, smiling widely again. "How's meltin' feel?" he asked lazily, smirking cockily but fondly too. Ichigo shrugged, when in reality it had felt absolutely  _amazing_. That was what bothered him. He became more addicted every time, and after that orgasm, god, he was considering letting this go on now that he knew how much pleasure Renji could bring him. Of course, he wasn't going to give Renji the satisfaction of knowing that. He would become unbearably smug.

Renji reached out one lax heavy arm and trailed a finger against his side gently, eyes drifting closed, that crazy-in-love smile not fading. "That was great," he mumbled, and Ichigo made a noise in agreement, moving his arm away from where Renji was touching. ' _Come baaaack,'_ Ichigo could make out Renji mumbling pitifully. Ichigo rolled away further.

"Cuddle me," Renji demanded, arm snaking after him.

"No," he replied flatly.

" _Cuddle_ , you shit!"

"I said no. _"_

"I'm gonna' count to three, Ichigo." Ichigo caved, throwing his head back with a frustrated groan.

"You are so fucking gay," Ichigo grouched, but let Renji crawl after him and grab him. Renji mumbled something like 'why do you always say that?' but Ichigo ignored it for the most part, scootching away a little so that there was about an inch of space between them. Renji seemed to still deem that as cuddling, and it still allowed for some decent airflow, so they were both content.

"Hey man," Renji said, more alert now, the pleasure-daze not completely leaving, but enough that he felt like talking apparently. Usually they lay in silence and bliss for around twenty minutes before moving to wash off or to fall asleep.

"Mm?"

"How come you won't touch me during?" Renji wondered, not sounding accusatory or upset, just curious, like it was a mild problem that he was just bringing to attention. "It's not like you're a dead fish, but you don't really touch me. You were pretty into it your first time, but after that…" Renji pursed his lips, scratching at the mattress a little with one finger, awkwardly, like he was trying to phrase it without wounding Ichigo's pride. Renji had been a cocky smug bastard that first day they'd done it, but since then, when it concerned intimate topics, he'd been really considerate about shit like that and never teased. "You know you're allowed to, right?"

Ichigo gave a slow shrug, looking in the other direction as he tried to drag his underwear towards him with his foot, fitting them around his ankles and pulling them up to buy some time. He'd need to go to the bathroom soon, because that lube was already leaking out in a very uncomfortable way. "It's no big thing," Ichigo said nonchalantly, pleased that he wasn't aching nearly as bad as before. "I just didn't think about it."

Renji gave a frown then, seeming confused, upset, and maybe a little hurt, as if to say ' _what the fuck?'_

"Didn't think about it?" he repeated, displeasure clear in his voice, and Ichigo knew that his excuse wasn't going to cut it and that he'd have to think of a better reason. He knew that it had been a selfish fucked up thing to say, and Renji obviously thought so too. "You didn't  _think_  about it? Dude, all I think about when we make love is how I can pleasure  _you_ ," Renji said, eyebrows scrunching together, dark brown eyes searching his face deep enough that it felt like a violation, and Ichigo had to swallow hard.

"Don't you do that too?" Renji asked then, seeming uncertain, as if he'd thought that Ichigo had, but now was having doubts.

"Well…" Ichigo rubbed the side of his arm compulsively, looking to the side as Renji rolled onto his side towards him. ' _Make love?'_ Ichigo wanted to escape this conversation.

"C'mon… Don't you like my body?" Renji asked cautiously.

Ichigo paused for a moment, eyes anywhere but Renji's face. "Yes?" he admitted anxiously. Renji seemed more sure of himself then, reaching out to touch him, his eyes still locked onto Ichigo's.

"Don't you wanna' make me feel good?" he wondered, like it was a simple question with a simple answer, but it wasn't like that for Ichigo. Sure, he knew that he shouldn't be so selfish as to act like this, but it was _hard_ , okay? Renji didn't get how difficult it was to do stuff that he wasn't supposed to. Maybe Renji didn't care about it being wrong, but Ichigo did. It was okay to let it happen to him, but Ichigo just hadn't been able to make himself return it lately. It seemed worse somehow, more real, like giving into temptation or sin. That first time, it had been okay, since he'd just wanted it so bad, but now the uncertainty was back and too strong to ignore.

"…" Ichigo pursed his lips and took just a little bit too long to answer, because Renji gave a frustrated groan, eyebrows scrunching up like a kid who was bemoaning an injustice.

"C'mon, Ichigo, that's not fair," he insisted, voice so hurt that Ichigo really felt like a complete jerk. "How's that supposed to make me feel about myself?" Renji said, really sounding like he felt like shit.

"You're right, you're right, sorry," Ichigo conceded, rolling towards him too. "It's just… it's weird to watch myself do it," he admitted quietly, hoping that Renji would understand.

Renji just lay there for a second. "It's weird to…" His eyes were distant for a moment before he shook his head in disbelief, face creasing in weary anger. "Whatever, never mind." He rolled over then, not moving again. "You're fucking impossible," Renji breathed, going silent.

Ichigo cringed. Shit. He knew that he wasn't being fair. No matter how much turmoil he was feeling, it didn't give him the right to make Renji feel awful, right? He had to say something at least mildly reassuring.

"Hey," he said, nudging Renji's shoulder, not receiving a response. "C'mon, man, I know you're not asleep." Renji still didn't move, not exactly pouting or sulking or purposefully ignoring him. When Ichigo caught a glimpse of his face, it was clear that he was  _moping._  Shit, he'd actually hurt his feelings.

" _Hey,_ " he half-shouted in Renji's ear, shaking him by the shoulder and jolting his body all over to try to make him respond. "Stop being mad!" he finally begged, "It's not like I think you're ugly, c'mon!"

Renji finally answered, rolling back to him with a long frustrated sigh. His lower lip stuck out and his expression was hard and stony. After a quiet moment, his eyes flicked to Ichigo's and he grunted, "Sometimes I feel like you think this was a mistake. It's like touching me makes you sick or something... and then you go and  _say_  shit like that, so..."

"It's not that," Ichigo immediately said, and it honestly wasn't. It was more like that he couldn't stand Renji touching  _him,_ looking at  _him_ , loving  _him_. The only time he could enjoy it was when he was so overloaded with pleasure that he couldn't focus on it.

"Really?" Renji challenged, voice flat, and Ichigo nodded in determination, leaning forward and pressing his lips against his cheek once. Renji's lip twisted with the smallest smile, but he didn't seem to have been convinced.

Ichigo snuggled back up to him a little, touching him some, very sparingly, but enough that it was deliberate. He stroked along his tattoos with one finger slowly, and he could see that Renji really liked it, muscles unwinding and going softer beneath his hands. By the time he'd gotten around to running along the spaces between the black marks, which were more sensitive by far than the tattoos themselves, Renji was really calm, sighing over and over and smiling.

"Close your eyes," Ichigo whispered, stroking Renji's arms and then his stomach, probably similarly to the way someone would put on lotion, but Renji really seemed to enjoy it, even if it was just simple touch. Ichigo felt bad when he realized that it was because anything is better than nothing. When was the last time he'd even rubbed against Renji deliberately? Renji was contact-starved since Ichigo had suddenly made a flip around from not caring to don't-touch-me-if-we're-not-fucking. He'd used to brush the guy's hair for crying out loud, and that had been when they had just been buddies.

Maybe he'd been a little too defensive in keeping him away. Just because he was confused didn't mean he had to shut the poor guy out in the cold.

"Kiss me some too," Renji mumbled, obviously on the edges of sleep. Ichigo swallowed a couple times, but leaned down and pecked Renji's chest, trailing down and over his upper stomach, and then down onto his hip-bone. "Yeah, that feels good," Renji sighed, smiling peacefully, hand rubbing through Ichigo's hair. He kissed him a couple more times, pecking him gently, rubbing his belly button and his sides, but he stopped the moment Renji drifted off.

He sat there for probably twenty minutes just staring at his sleeping form, before he got up out of his own bed and went to sleep out on the couch. He was starting to feel like he really was a genuinely bad person.

Renji was a jerk most of the time, and he certainly wasn't  _nice_  to him now, but it was clear that Renji was really deeply in love with him and here Ichigo was taking that for granted, wishing that it wasn't so. Renji should be spending that passionate love on someone else, that loyalty, that devotion, he should be giving it to someone who would return it, but it had to be Ichigo, Ichigo who would rather do anything other than even lay next to him after sex.

What if he wasn't even capable of love? What if he really was just fucking with Renji's mind? What the hell was wrong with him?

Why couldn't he just feel something?

He'd been so upset and heartbroken when he'd thought that Renji didn't feel anything for him, but he couldn't stand it now that it was clear that Renji loved him this much. Ichigo screwed his eyes shut in frustration and turned in the other direction on the couch, able to smell their sweat from where Renji had blown him earlier.

Maybe if things were too easy, if Ichigo had no challenge, no one to fight, he didn't know who he was. Maybe he needed Renji to not want him, maybe he needed to feel unwanted in order to feel longing. What if he could only love someone who didn't love him? Was that the problem? He couldn't bear to be in love with someone who actually cared about him?

What kind of shitty fucked up heart had he been born with to want something like that?

Things would be so much easier if Ichigo didn't feel that being gay was wrong - maybe not wrong, but something that needed to be hidden. Was that what he was? Was he gay, or was it just Renji that he wanted? Maybe he'd always been messed up like this. Renji was okay with himself this way, but Ichigo couldn't accept it so quickly, even after taking it up the ass all those times. He was in denial. He didn't want people to know. He wanted a window open to escape through so he could change his mind.

It wasn't that he cared what people thought of him, because he didn't give two shits about who didn't like him. It was just… love was threatening to him. If he didn't feel love, he could fall back on the excuse that this had been a fucked-up young mistake, but if it was love, it was real. If it had been love, them sleeping together would be purposeful and meaningful, something he couldn't explain away as easily. It would be real.

The bad news was that some dark horrible part of him wanted this to be real so badly… but he just didn't feel it. He didn't feel it at all. That fiery need, that want he'd felt had settled down into stagnation, and everything was so lukewarm that it was his exact body temperature. He didn't feel a goddamn thing, and it scared him. He didn't want to hurt Renji, but how could he not if his heart wasn't working?

That thing that he'd thought was love had faded. Maybe he needed it to be gone to notice it again if it came back. Maybe he needed to long for it to want it. Maybe that was why Renji had had his appeal when he was out of reach, and now that he was here, Ichigo was overthinking it.

He longed for simpler times. He longed to feel something, because if it didn't happen soon, things were going to fall the fuck apart.

Renji didn't deserve to suffer because of this, but Ichigo didn't see a way around it.

* * *

_And I feel like I am just too close to love you,  
_ _There is nothing I can really say._


	4. Chapter 4

_I miss the bad things,_  
_the way you hate me._  
_I miss the screaming,_  
_the way that you blame me._

 _I like the kick in the face_  
_and the things you do to me._  
_I love the way that it hurts._  
_I don't miss you, I miss the misery._

* * *

Ikkaku was so fucked.

So, not only had he had this ' _problem'_  and had his masculinity completely obliterated in front of Yumichika – because he was sure that Yumichika had noticed, I mean, how could he  _not_  have? _–_  but he'd also missed out on a golden opportunity. Yumichika had been waiting for it. Yumichika had spread his legs for him after the crap he'd pulled in that freezer, and Ikkaku hadn't been able to do anything about it.

He was never leaving his house again. He was gonna' dig a really deep hole in the fucked-up patch of the parking lot behind the liquor store, lay down inside it, and then bury himself until everyone forgot that he'd ever been born, mostly Yumichika. God, Yumichika probably thought he had fucking erectile dysfunction or something. Fucking  _f_ _uck!_  He was so mad.

He glared down at his crotch and resisted the urge to punch it. Fucking traitor. It won't go down at work when Yumichika's leaning on the counter, but it won't go up when it's actually supposed to. God, he  _hates_ himself! He never should've lost his temper that day. If he hadn't, everything would've worked out.

Okay, that's not true, because if he hadn't lost his cool, he was sure that he wouldn't have gotten through to Yumichika. He was pretty sure it was those kind words he'd said afterwards about what you do when you love someone, but Yumichika probably wouldn't have been willing to listen if he hadn't literally fucked him up. So, as bad as it sounded, that little dubious-assault episode had been necessary to get Yumichika to open up his little heart to him, but in doing so, Ikkaku was emotionally fercocked, because, shit, Ikkaku felt like a predator now.

I mean, what the fuck did Yumichika think he was doing, being so sweet on their date? Who the fuck was Ikkaku to deserve that from him? It was like his dick was fucking punishing him for thinking that what he'd done that day was okay or something, because he couldn't even masturbate in the privacy of his home after he'd ran out of Yumichika's house that night. He really and truly couldn't get it up and it was seriously the worst thing.

So even if he'd tried to bypass his guilt and ignore it, he was literally physically unable to, because his dick had some sort of 'you-may-not-proceed-until-passing-go-three times' stamp on it. This was the worst.

It freaking  _sucked_  to have your new sexy boyfriend in your face all the time and not be able to do shit about it without fucking embarrassing yourself. God, this was  _awful._

Why couldn't Ikkaku just  _feel_  something?

Ikkaku curled inwards like a broken accordian, letting out this high-pitched strangled noise, realizing that he'd forgotten that he'd been trying to get himself hard. He'd drifted off into thought and had gotten so pissed that he'd made a tight fist around his crotch. What a fucking idiot. It was a good thing he was gay and out of the gene pool, because no child deserved to have such a stupid DNA donor. Who  _does_  that? Who just gets so pissed that they squeeze that hard? He couldn't believe that Yumichika had been about to let  _him_  inside. That was sad to the point that it wasn't funny.

Laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling, knees against his chest and hands rubbing his sore parts, Ikkaku remembered how turned on he'd been before, how hard he'd gotten when they were in that freezer together, and he was starting to think that maybe… maybe the reason he couldn't get it up now was because he had been somehow turned on by the idea of Yumichika being unwilling… and now that Yumichika  _was_ willing, the desire was gone.

Ever since they'd officially gotten together, Ikkaku had fallen hard for Yumichika, worse than he had when they'd first met. Now that he got why Yumichika did the things that he did, his patience reservoirs were considerably larger than they were before, and as such, he could never forgive himself for losing his temper that time. At the time, he hadn't been able to control himself, he'd just been so mad, so hurt, but now... now, the guilt made him feel... lukewarm.

The whole fire of their relationship before had been based on them fighting and trying to verbally wound the other, and now that that was gone, now that things were sweet and emotionally satisfying… what if Ikkaku couldn't make love to him? What if Ikkaku could only get turned on by the idea of it being dubious? What if Ikkaku wanted to  _hurt_  him, actually? Maybe that was why he couldn't get hard when Yumichika was crying in pleasure and not pain. Maybe he  _wanted_  it to be pain. Did he want to rape the guy?

The idea horrified him. Not just of raping Yumichika, but the fact that he might actually  _want_  to.

That can't be right. That's not who he is, right? He's not like that. Ikkaku doesn't want that, right? He swallowed sickly, because he didn't know what else it could be. It hadn't been because he was nervous, it hadn't been because he'd been unsure of the circumstance. No, he'd lost his hard-on because it had seemed too easy.

Did he need Yumichika to struggle for it to arouse him?

What was worse was that he had the sick suspicion that Yumichika wanted it that way too, that he wanted to be held down and forced or something and that his mind was seeking out someone who would be cruel to him. Maybe that's why Yumichika was so loving to him now that he'd cracked and been so rough that first time.

So Ikkaku wanted to assault him, and Yumichika wanted him to do it? Which one of them was more fucked up in the head?

Ikkaku didn't really want that, right? It just seemed so... morally reprehensive that a relationship could be built on hate-sex. It turned his stomach just thinking about it. There was no way he could want it. He'd wanted it in the moment that first time, but now it seemed absolutely horrible and was probably what was keeping him limp all the time...

What if he couldn't get it up again unless the sex was violent?

God, he was gonna' throw up. Why couldn't he feel normal human desire that occurs naturally between lovers?! He wanted sweet vanilla sex, damnit! Not some sicko-rape-fantasy. He was gonna' make their real first time perfect, no matter what his dick had to say about it! The pressure was already starting to compile itself again. What was he gonna' do if he just couldn't ever do it with him? Would Yumichika dump him?

' _I think maybe Viagra would-'_

The phone rang and jolted Ikkaku out of his thoughts. Without thinking, he picked up and listened, forgetting to actually say anything when he heard who it was.

It was Yumichika.

His heart froze. Why was he calling? Was he trying to break things off? Was he trying to pity him maybe, to tell him it was okay that he was a pathetic excuse for a man who was missing his most important component to being a good lover? Yumichika had been the one who'd said that he could never satisfy anyone, and now it might really be true.

Fuck, he was in too deep. He had to feel something soon, or it might just be over between them. Yumichika surely wouldn't be patient about his predicament, and if he was, it might make Ikkaku feel even worse.

He'd waited so long to be with Yumichika - he had to do something about this, and quick!

"Hello?" he could hear his boyfriend ask, and Ikkaku just sat there in an embarrassed daze for a moment, before finally responding.

God, he felt so awkward.

"Uh, hey…"

"Let's go do something today, Duckie. I want to see you." Yumichika's tone was tentative and hopeful rather than snarky and demanding like always and it just made Ikkaku feel like a horrible person. How could he say no?

But, oh  _shit_. Yumichika wanted to see him, which meant, well, that Yumichika would be seeing him so soon after that event of ultimate shame had happened. The last thing Ikkaku wanted to do was talk about it or think about it or wonder if  _Yumichika_  had been thinking about it. Ikkaku grit his teeth in panic, but before he could stop himself, his stupid mouth opened up and was talking. "Okay."

"Great," Yumichika said brightly, and Ikkaku cringed, feeling like an absolute jerk. He hated knowing that he'd finally gotten Yumichika to fall for him, but that he'd fallen for him because of his violent outburst. He wanted to go back in time and punch himself in the face. "Come by in an hour, okay?"

"Okay," he said again, fingers fisting in the carpet as he realized he'd just let things get even worse. Fuck, what would he say after that fiasco?! This date was going to be horrible. Yumichika was going to realize he was every bit of the jerky classless idiot he'd accused him of being for months.

Man, Ikkaku was a  _wreck._

Worse still, Ikkaku knew Yumichika probably wouldn't ever let him back into his bed again, and if he did, he didn't know if his little buddy was being reliable enough right now to really count on being able to show either of them a good time.

"Don't lemme' down, guy," he begged, looking down at the crotch of his jeans, which was still throbbing lightly from pain. Great. He was twenty six, in his apartment alone, had a gorgeous boyfriend who he was allowed to fuck but couldn't, and now he was talking to his own dick.

God, he was such a loser!

* * *

Ichigo was becoming seriously resentful and downright cranky now. Fuck Renji and his touching and his semi-nice words. He was just trying to  _get_  some, wasn't he? He was probably just waiting for Ichigo to let his guard down so he could leave a huge hickey and make sure everyone  _knew_. Ichigo didn't want  _anyone_  to know. He needed a way out. Renji was cornering him, and you know what wounded animals do when they're pushed into a corner.

Well, if Renji was gonna' play that game, Ichigo could too. Passive-aggressive was his middle name, especially the aggressive part.

Renji was in boxer-shorts today, but had at least put on some sports-pants and a tank top when Ichigo had told him he wasn't getting lunch if he didn't. "This is actually pretty good. Not like the usual shit you make," Renji said, and Ichigo just glared. Renji said that every damn day.

"Why don't  _you_  make something for once?" he snapped, stuffing his face with turkey sandwiches and chips. God, he felt miserable if he was trying to drown his sorrows with food. Usually, Ichigo was one to lose his appetite if he was in distress.

"You make it sound like I never cook," Renji said flippantly, rolling his eyes and shoving the rest of his sandwich in his mouth, picking up the second one and pressing it together, because there had been too many ingredients for any normal human to take a bite safely. Sadly, these days when Ichigo saw Renji slam a burger like it was nothing, all he thought about was that he could fit  _other_  things in his mouth with no problem too. "I cook a lot, man. You're the one who doesn't eat it."

Ichigo was a little slow in responding to that. The truth was Renji's food was really good. He didn't make stuff that often, and it was never a full meal, but if he'd learned how to make something, he made it well and it put Ichigo's food to shame. Therefore, Ichigo had banned Renji from the kitchen except in special circumstances, like when Ichigo was so sick that he was at death's door.

Not to mention that he didn't want Renji in there while he was cooking, because he kept trying to hold him while he was stirring junk on the stovetop, and that was way too domestic for him. One of these days he was going to be taking something out of the oven and before you know it, he'd have to turn himself over to the cops because Renji would be dead from trying to grind on him, forgetting that he was holding a scalding hot pan and wasn't averse to using it.

"Whatever," Ichigo finally said, and Renji had that pleased-with-himself smug-ass grin on, and Ichigo wanted to wipe it right off with his shoe. He let out a long sigh, anger draining out of him. Maybe he should just try giving in…  _again_. Who knows, he might like it, unlike those other times. He just didn't know what to do anymore.

"If you're so butt-hurt about it, I'll make something tonight. Chicken Marsala. Good?" Renji asked, mouth full of food.

"Literally the worst thing ever," Ichigo said back, when in reality, that sounded perfect. It turned out to be the  _best_  thing ever, and Ichigo spent the evening with his pants open, laying on the couch holding his gut.

Renji just grinned and sat on the carpet, flicking through the TV channels, repeatedly making comments about how it sure looked like Ichigo had enjoyed that thoroughly. "Shut up, I'm holding my stomach because it was so bad I'm about to throw up!"

"You ate three plates, man, you're not fooling me."

"Come closer and say that," Ichigo growled, and the threat was phrased like that because he didn't know if he could get up himself. He abruptly jerked back when he found Renji nose to nose with him, his smile completely open and normal rather than cocky like usual.

"You're not fooling me," Renji whispered, eyes drifting closed as he moved in to kiss him on the lips. Ichigo remained there for a minute, letting that hit him, as if Renji were telling him that no matter how much he tried to run from what he felt, it was there somewhere.

He was trapped.

If only Ichigo  _did_  feel something in there. He was becoming more uncertain by the day.

It was a cold hard fact that Ichigo was attracted to Renji and that he'd been heartbroken by the idea of them being friends-with-benefits or of Renji sleeping with other people, but now that things had worked out in his favor, he didn't exactly like  _this_  arrangement either. He wished Renji would go back to hiding his love.

That sounded so horrible, but it was the truth.

Maybe Renji didn't pick up on his bad vibes, because he moved onto the couch and sat next to him, holding his face and kissing him enthusiastically, but not so deeply that it turned into a make-out. Ichigo let him, his hands resting on his shoulders. The kisses felt good in a physical sort of way; they were soft and tickled slightly, warming him, but they didn't help him work out this mess in his heart. He couldn't explain kisses like this with lust, because there was no tongue, and Renji's eyes were sweetly closed and he was rubbing his back and hair like he was the last man on earth, the last man on  _his_  earth, the only one in his world.

Maybe it was true what they say about kissing someone with their eyes open. It means that they don't feel it, that they aren't lost in the sensation like you are, that they haven't longed for this. Ichigo had waited for a moment like this for a long time, but somehow, it didn't feel right to him. He still felt like he had to resist to keep his pride intact. If he just gave in to this love thing, what kind of man would people see him as? How would  _Renji_  think of him if he kept giving in? There was no way Renji could still see them as equals if he was the one on his back with his legs in the air.

Ichigo hated this.

Eventually Renji pulled back, eyes opening, a lock of hair having fallen forward between his eyebrows, tickling his nose almost like Rukia's hairstyle. Ichigo reached out and brushed it to the side, and Renji blinked reflexively, Ichigo's finger having brushed his eyelashes.

"Why aren't you kissing me back?" Renji asked in confusion, frowning lightly.

Why  _wasn't_  he? Shit, Ichigo had forgotten to respond, because of course Renji was eventually going to catch on that he was kissing a statue. Figuring that half-honesty was the best way to go, Ichigo pursed his lips and side-slitted his eyes, feeling Renji rubbing his neck. "… Mmm… I don't really feel like kissing right now."

Renji turned to the side and checked his breath in his hand real quick and made a noise when it proved satisfactory, frowning to Ichigo. "What's the matter?" he asked, and Ichigo kept being a flat-ass and shrugged.

"I just don't feel like kissing you, okay?"

"What the  _fuck_ , Ichigo?" Renji said suddenly, eyebrows scrunching up like that had personally offended him. Oh right, Renji was in love with him, and if you were in love, you're supposed to become sensitive or something. Then again, Ichigo knew he was kind of being a jerk and that hadn't been the nicest thing to say. He shouldn't let Renji suffer too much. Renji just had to stop kissing him slow like that and just get in his pants already like he obviously wanted to. Renji had only done this entire thing because Ichigo had made that comment about making him dinner before taking him to bed. Fucking sneak.

Ichigo's brow pinched and he held his hands up to appease Renji, remembering that the guy was starting to get upset about Ichigo neglecting touching him when he was trying to be sweet. "Okay, fine, alright," Ichigo said, and Renji gave a satisfied sigh when Ichigo scootched over into his embrace, fiercely wrapping his arms around Renji's neck, kissing him hard like it could make himself feel something if he tried to force it.

Renji grunted and pulled back slightly when Ichigo bit him, not matching his fervor, instead continuing with kissing him slow, finally slicking his tongue along Ichigo's lip and slipping inside. Ichigo made a strangled noise when it entwined with his own, effectively halting his efforts at getting Renji to snap and fuck him right there on the sofa. No, he could go weak from the pleasure of Renji fucking him, but not from Renji being soft on him like this. His pride would never recover.

"Hmmmm," Renji sighed, long and deep, like a lovesick teenager, leaning Ichigo down onto the couch on his back, hovering over him with his hands stroking his cheeks, body cradling his. Ichigo screwed his eyes shut, cringing inside. Everything about this put him off.

Ichigo whined and braced his forearm against Renji's chest, pinching his side, and Renji laughed a little against his mouth, not backing up, obviously thinking Ichigo was just joking because they both melted back into the kiss. Oh, how Ichigo hated this. He tried hard to get Renji to take it further, to slip his hands down into his pants finally, but they just kept drifting back over his chest and up to his face again. Renji was taking this ruse really far, because right now it didn't seem like he was trying to get him in the sack, and Ichigo was  _sure_ that was the guy's motive here. It had to be. The alternative was too horrible to fathom. Ichigo didn't want to accept it.

Renji eventually pulled away just slightly to pepper kisses along Ichigo's cheek, the side of his nose, beneath his eye, towards his ear. Fuck, Ichigo couldn't stand this.

Ichigo suddenly opened his eyes, realizing that Renji had leaned way back, sitting up, face obviously disgruntled and frustrated.

Ichigo sat up too, trying to drag him back in, but Renji batted his arm away, getting extremely direct then, "What the hell is with you? Why are you making that face?!" Renji shook his head slightly, looking into his eyes like he knew he'd been betrayed but wasn't sure exactly how yet. "I'm just trying to kiss you some, man, and you're acting like I'm torturing you."

Ichigo scowled. He must've dropped a tell or two. Renji kept going, not whining, but making his complaints known in an adult manner that made Ichigo feel like shit. "I'm doing everything I can to be nice to you, and all you do is throw it back in my face. I'm the one who told you from the start that you don't like it when I'm nice to you, but you were the one who wanted this, right? So…  _what am I supposed to do?…_  I dunno' what I'm doing wrong. Is it just-" Renji gave him a look out of nowhere, staring dead at him. "Are you messing with me or something?" Renji suddenly asked, eyes narrowing dangerously as he came towards Ichigo, staring him down resolutely, but Ichigo didn't break.

Finally Renji sighed and broke eye contact, looking at his lap. "If you hate it that much, then say something."

That was the raindrop that burst the dam.

"Maybe I  _do_  hate it!" Passive hadn't worked, because Renji didn't  _take_  hints, so Ichigo was going to have to be blunt and not just pop this guy's bubble, but detonate it. Renji looked stunned, eyes widening, mouth opening slightly as he flinched back involuntarily at the volume.

"Every fucking time you do shit like this, all I can do is wonder what my mom would say and be fucking ashamed," Ichigo shouted, clawing at his hair. He couldn't stop now, even though he knew he was going too far. Renji wanted honesty, well he was going to fucking get it.

He looked like he'd been slapped dead in the face, but Ichigo kept going.

"How can you just accept what we're doing like it's not disgusting? God, I feel  _dirty_  when you kiss me!" Ichigo hollered, kicking Renji in the leg and standing up while he just sat there helplessly, mouth agape. "Why would I want people to know about this?! Why would I want to  _admit this_  to people?!"

He adopted a fake sleazy voice then, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling, "Geez, it's that Ichigo kid. He had such a bright future until he let this tattooed delinquent distract him from medical school so he could fuck him hard. What a goddamn shame!"

Ichigo grit his teeth together, fists in balls as he got out those last words, "Fucking me in secret is fine, but every time you kiss me like that and try to do nice shit, I know you're getting ready to tell me that we should tell the world that we're fucking boyfriends or something, and that'd ruin my life!"

He shouted then, blurting something out that he didn't even really believe, but at that moment, all he felt was anger and denial, hurling whatever he could get Renji to fuck off, "That's what you want, isn't it?! To hook me with sex and then trick me into falling in love with you so I'll be your sex toy forever. Well, I'm not falling for it!"

Ichigo took a few deep breaths, and once he calmed down, he noticed with trepidation that it was completely silent. Renji wasn't glaring, or angry, or building up to shout back in rage. He was just sitting there, staring at the wall, absolutely stunned.

"That's what you thought," he finally said in a small voice, bringing a hand up to his forehead, "about what we were doing… That's what… you…"

Ichigo realized that he'd made a terrible mistake, the guilt beginning to compile on him and make him feel horrible already. Renji stood up, still looking absolutely shell-shocked, expression not changing as he put on his coat and slipped on some sandals. A claw of dread shot up Ichigo's spine as he desperately begged Renji to hit him, scream back, cry,  _anything_  but look so empty like that.

He couldn't just leave after Ichigo had said that. They needed to talk about it. Ichigo had to apologize, but he couldn't get the words out. He'd always been awful at apologizing because he never usually did things he regretted. He thought out everything before doing it and dealt with the consequences, but that had been a mistake! He was just so confused about everything that it had just come out wrong! He hadn't meant to explode like that, even if he'd meant almost all of it.

He tried to stop him from going out the door, but Renji left in a daze. His phone was still on the couch, the dirty dishes were still in the sink, and it was eleven at night. Ichigo just watched the slumped shoulders of a defeated man leave their apartment, and suddenly horror and regret crashed in on him and he punched a hole in the plaster.

Renji had even forgotten to put his hair up.

* * *

 _'Cause you're my, you're my_  
You're my-y-y-y  
My true love, my whole heart  
Please don't throw that away

* * *

Yumichika and Ikkaku ended up going to a nice sports bar and shooting pool for a few hours. Ikkaku wasn't so good at it at first, because he'd been too focused on hitting the cue ball really hard to pay attention to whether his aim was absolutely accurate. Yumichika had the opposite problem, never really able to shoot correctly without over or under-estimating his momentum.

"Whew, that was fun," Ikkaku said, smiling. He had a bit of a buzz, and was hoping that alcohol would help loosen him up. It was a fine line, since he wanted to be buzzed enough to relax, but not enough that he was drunk. Drunk sex was the opposite of appealing to him, mostly because he wanted to be able to focus and remember everything later.

"Yes," Yumichika commented idly, letting Ikkaku share the fruity drinks that the bigger guy was far too embarrassed to order himself. As Yumichika had said, why not get just as drunk on alcohol that actually tastes good? Still, it didn't really work that way for someone like Ikkaku, who had a reputation to uphold. He didn't want anyone teasing him or picking shit when he was on a fucking date, because before you know it, they'd be banned from the bar.

They took a walk later in the humid night air, settling on a bridge and watching the pond in silence. Luckily, Yumichika hadn't said a word about Ikkaku's utter failure from their last date, but it was still lingering heavily in Ikkaku's mind, and when he kissed Yumichika goodnight at his front door, he cringed.

Yumichika smiled, kissing him again, inviting him in one more time, and Ikkaku felt sick and undeserving. Yumichika was  _still_  letting him in. He still didn't feel any arousal; it just wasn't happening. God, he was so humiliated. He wanted Yumichika so bad, really he did. He was so pretty tonight, so  _so_  pretty, so ready for him, but Ikkaku just didn't feel anything.

It wasn't easy for him to feel the fire now that they weren't fighting. It was a slow warm glow, and although embers were hotter than the flames themselves, you couldn't feel the heat unless you really got up close and stuck your hand in there. Ikkaku didn't know how to anymore without a potential threat. Yumichika was practically writing 'make love to me' on his forehead with those sex eyes of his, but Ikkaku still couldn't bring himself to deepen the kiss if he wasn't feeling it, and he didn't feel  _shit_.

Now that they weren't fighting all the time, they'd fallen out of their pattern. Ikkaku didn't know the right response or reaction. It was scary. What if he got it wrong? What if he fell out of Yumichika's favor again and fucked everything up? There was no script to romance, and it was maddening.

It just... It felt bland and stagnant. Ikkaku didn't feel anything and it was awful. It wasn't so much that he didn't like the idea of a relationship without sex, it was that he didn't think  _Yumichika_  was okay with that, and if he couldn't have sex anymore, then that was a big problem. Ikkaku had to do something about this, but he didn't know what there was to do, really.

Running sounded okay for now. Ikkaku wasn't one to run from a fight, but this wasn't a fight. It was shame. He couldn't take shame. Humiliation was one thing he couldn't bear, it was why he got so violent when people pointed out his scalp.

He had to get out of here.

"Nah, I'm just gonna'… gonna' go home," Ikkaku said, scratching the back of his neck and pecking Yumichika's cheek one more time.

"Oh," Yumichika said, seeming surprised but not disappointed. "Okay, sweetheart." Ikkaku winced, but let Yumichika move in and hug him close but not tight. He was so warm and soft, and his head was nestling perfectly against his chest. Ikkaku drew his arms around him and felt his throat tighten and his eyes burn. Fuck, he wanted this so bad. Why couldn't he just feel it? He was the worst boyfriend in history. It wasn't fair.

"I really care about you," Ikkaku said. "Okay? I just… I have to work through some junk," he explained shortly, holding him tightly, an arm around Yumichika's lower back and another around his neck and cradling his head, determined not to let him free just yet. Yumichika just nuzzled into his collar-bone.

He really didn't want Yumichika to start thinking that he couldn't do it with him because he wasn't attracted to him or something. No, Ikkaku thought he was the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen. When Yumichika walked, those pretty heels hitting the floor, he looked like a model that could level a city. Yumichika was thin like a dancer, and graceful, but strong. He could probably crush a man's skull with his thighs, and his fingers, Ikkaku was dying to feel them scratching over his scalp in the post-coital glow. There  _was_  a fire in there, he just couldn't light the match…

"I understand," Yumichika said, tipping his head up to his, hands slipping up to Ikkaku's cheeks and holding him against him as he kissed him. The kiss was just that, only a kiss, and there wasn't some desire that ignited within him or even a warm feeling. All he felt was painful wretched awful love, but it didn't do anything for his physical predicament.

Ikkaku wondered if Yumichika understood what he thought he did or if he'd made some sort of incorrect inference. It didn't matter, because Ikkaku didn't really understand why he was so lustless lately either. "I can be patient," Yumichika assured. "I'll wait until you've sorted things out. I understand."

Ikkaku's gut tensed up, feeling sick, but he kissed Yumichika's eyes, one, then the other, then his nose, then his lips. "You are absolutely precious- _aah!"_  he yelped, holding his face where Yumichika had flicked him, more out of surprise than pain.

"Don't overdo it," Yumichika said warningly, then giving him one last squeeze before saying goodnight and flouncing inside, blowing a kiss. Ikkaku's heart jerked with an overwhelming rush of 'I-love-you-you-fucking-brat'.

"Yeah, bye…" Ikkaku said dazedly, waving as the door shut, just standing there for a minute before wandering away.

He had the most gorgeous person in the world as his boyfriend, but he couldn't get aroused. That was like getting a royal flush playing poker when you're all betting with pennies.

What the fuck had happened to his life?

* * *

 _It cuts so deep and touches your insides,_  
_shakin' like leaves, afraid it's the wrong time._  
_Tell me you remember, tell me its not too late._  
_Cause love won't come again._


	5. Chapter 5

_'Cause I can't keep sleepin' in your bed_  
_if you keep messin' with my head._  
__  
Before I slip under your sheets,  
_can you give me somethin' please?_  
__  
I can't keep touchin' you like this  
_if it's just temporary bliss._

* * *

"You're  _what?_ "

"You heard me," Renji said wearily, but seriously, shouldering his backpack and carrying a duffel-bag. This had escalated quickly.

"Wh- B-" Ichigo sputtered, hand on his forehead. It had all gone so wrong. He'd been planning on staying up so that he could apologize when Renji came back, but he'd waited and waited, and before he'd known it, it was four o' clock in the morning and it had started and stopped raining twice. He just hadn't been able to keep his eyes open, and when he'd finally woken up, it was noon, and Renji's bedroom door was shut.

When Renji had come out, he'd been packing up his things.  _All_  his things.

"What the fuck, man? Don't move out!" Ichigo said in dismay, feeling bad all over. He'd crossed some invisible line and he'd wounded Renji's spirit, he knew he had. Renji was the type of guy to shake things off, so if he was this upset, Ichigo had  _really_ messed up. He didn't know how to begin to apologize, but he had to do  _something. '_ Sorry' was a start, but that was always too difficult.

Renji gave a sigh and put two fingers to his left temple, tossing his extra sneakers into his duffel-bag. "I can't be here right now, man." He made it sound like he might come back sometime, but  _when_ and  _would he?_ Damn, Ichigo had really fucked up, hadn't he? Renji was leaving, Renji thought he  _had_  to leave.

Ichigo bit his lip. "Because of me?"

Renji looked up at him, brows scrunching up in hurt. "Ichigo," he said lowly, tone deeply wounded, and it made Ichigo visibly cringe. "What you said was messed up."

Ichigo looked at the floor, mumbling, "I know."

Renji sighed. "It hurt... Whatever, I dunno'," he said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "Geez."

"I didn't mean it."

"Whatever."

"Renji, I didn't mean it," Ichigo repeated, voice strained as he tried to get Renji to meet his eyes.

"I said,  _whatever,_ " Renji said aggressively, zipping up his gym bag, crossing his arms.

"I didn't mean what I said about my mom, or thinking we're gross, or that you're gonna' ruin my future. I was just runnin' my mouth - I didn't mean that shit," Ichigo said, biting his lip, brows scrunching.

" _It's not about-_ " Renji snapped, cutting himself off and taking a soothing breath, calming himself down. "It's not about that. It's not about what you said, it's about what you admitted to me. It's about that this  _entire time_ , you've been pulling some sick joke on me. You've been sleeping with me on false pretenses and ya' let me think that-" Renji became so angry that he couldn't speak anymore, the fury soon slipping out of him and leaving him calm and determined.

"What you said was  _fucked up,_ Ichigo, and yer' not gonna' keep saying fucked up shit to me anymore. I'm mad at you," Renji said with a flat look. Ichigo could see right then that he'd really betrayed Renji, that Renji had trusted him and Ichigo had broken that and that it had cut him deep. His head went down immediately with shame.

"Sorry," Ichigo said, coughing, and then saying it again louder, peeking one eye up for a reaction. Renji was unmoved. "I know it was really lame and stupid, but you don't have to leave, though."

Renji visibly grit his teeth, jaw clenching as he tried to gather patience. When his words came out, they were short and sharp, causing Ichigo to take a step back, fists balling up. "I have to get outta' here. I can't take this, Ichigo, do you understand? I - cannot _\- take -_ this," Renji said in exasperation, eyes slightly crazed as he bared his teeth. All Ichigo could see and hear from him was pain.

"Did you think I was just gonna' bounce back? That was  _fucked up_ , what you said! I can brush off a lotta' shit, but that  _hurt!_ " Renji said, brow clenching, "I don't even wanna' look at your  _face_  right now!"

Ichigo's heart began to hurt conspicuously, and that's how he noticed that it was there again. He hadn't been able to feel anything ever since that heart pain stopped when he'd lost his virginity, but now he felt it again. It hurt, it really really hurt. Ichigo hadn't known what he'd wanted, but it was never for Renji to move out.

Seeing that he'd hurt Renji this bad just because he hadn't been able to feel something intense and obvious, Ichigo felt ashamed of himself. It was like he couldn't accept simple happiness, and if he got it, there had to be a hell of a fight first.

With Renji so hurt in front of him, because of what he'd said, all that was left in Ichigo now was regret. No matter how confused and defensive he'd gotten, he should've just fucking dealt with it like a grown up.

"You want me, or you seem to, but then you go and  _say_  shit like that! You don't just get to say you don't mean it, because you said it and now it's out there. Even if you didn't mean it, you still said it to me and I had to  _hear it,_ " Renji growled like a wounded animal, voice cracking. Ichigo's gut clenched up. He kept feeling worse and worse with each thing Renji said.

"You're fucking with my head and it's screwing me up," Renji said, voice strained and tight. "Maybe you thought I could just take it and take it forever, but you're screwing me up and I can't just fucking shake it off. I've gotta' get out of here, okay? I don't know what you want, and I can't deal with this constant…" Renji's angry expression broke into something sad and lonely then, causing Ichigo's heart to just _bleed_  like a wet sponge being squeezed.

"Constant disappointment," Renji finished, and Ichigo held his stomach, swallowing, before glaring. Anger he could understand, but he couldn't handle guilt. He didn't hurt his friends often, and when he did, he always knew how to fix it. But he didn't this time, and he had to get rid of this shame somehow. Fury was the way to go. Shift the blame, shift the blame back to Renji. He was the cause of this whole mess.  _Fuck_  him for playing the victim when he was the reason this all had happened. If Renji hadn't pressured him with his weird gayness, then Ichigo could've just stuck with his normal life. It was Renji's own fault that he was hurting.

"You're mad I won't sleep with you again, is that it?" Ichigo grit out. Renji's eyes snapped to his, and immediately he knew he'd  _definitely_ crossed the line. He'd flicked a tiger in the nose one too many times, and it was finally going to lunge.

"See that, right there?" Renji began, voice deadly as he referenced Ichigo's attitude. " _Fuck_ you!"

"…" Ichigo couldn't say anything for a minute, just watching as Renji's muscles coiled up, tense and bulging as he dropped his bags on the floor and grabbed Ichigo's t-shirt, yanking him in close to his face.

"I've accepted that you were using my body this whole time when we were in bed," Renji snarled, "but if you think that means you can somehow jilt me whenever it's convenient for you or make me seem like I'm the big bad guy who's seducing you, you are so wrong." Renji was right in his face, and Ichigo was flinching back with each word. Renji was biting like a wounded animal. "I'm not playin' this game, Ichigo. You wanna' keep acting like the victim and yanking me around, but I won't let you," he spat, nose an inch from Ichigo's, and for the first time in his life, Ichigo felt truly threatened by Renji. They'd been in fights before, but never something so serious that would end up with either of them in the hospital. Then again, he'd never kicked Renji in his sore spot - his big soft heart.

"You wanna' just use me as your dildo or something and then when I try to treat you right or take you on a date, you turn it around and say I'm corrupting you or some shit, like I'm trying to ruin you or expose everything we do to the world." Renji shook him once and threw him away from him, causing Ichigo to almost fall onto the hard-wood floor.

"Maybe you think that things are the same for me, but when I told you I loved you, I  _meant_  it, and I thought you felt the same way. You led me on and let me believe that you  _cared_  about me!" Ichigo swallowed, seriously starting to think that Renji was nearing tears. He knew that he'd hit Renji close to home, because if Renji was starting to talk like this, then things were really bad. Renji considered him pretty much the only bit of real family he had besides Rukia, and if Renji believed that all along Ichigo never had cared at all, it must feel like his heart had been ripped out.

Ichigo had never wanted...  _never_  wanted to break a heart.

"I thought we were lovers, I thought we were making love, and I was feeling so great, but really, none of that was true! I know how it's like to get used for my body, Ichigo, you  _know_  that, and you still do this to me!" Renji screamed. "You were going to bed with me and the whole time, you're thinking I'm just some sicko out to ruin your life!  _You're thinking that about me while I'm inside you!"_ Ichigo coughed awkwardly, looking at the ground as Renji ranted.

"I'm thinking about how much I love you and that I want to make you feel like you're really important, but on your side, I'm just your closet-gay science-experiment," Renji spat bitterly, gritting his knuckles into his eye sockets and digging hard to push away tears. "You're ashamed of me and you think what we have is disgusting. I thought we had a relationship and that you just wanted to keep things private, but  _no._  You think it's something perverted and twisted and wrong, and you made me a part of that. That's what you thought about while I was doing it with you! You  _went to bed with me when you felt that way!_  I feel  _filthy_ , Ichigo. I _feel_  like a sicko now! Thanks a lot!"

Ichigo swallowed hard. Hearing Renji so close to crying like that was doing something to him.

"And  _now you're telling me to stay_ , as if you  _care!"_ Renji wailed, groaning deeply and clawing at his own face. He let out a low moan and a small sigh. "You keep going back and forth, thinking I can take this cruelty forever, like I can just deal with it and handle the pain, but I don't work like that. I'm not a machine, and I can't keep dealing with your mistakes, because every time you change your mind, it's just a little thing to you, but it's a fucking big thing to me! The stuff you say  _matters_  to me! Maybe you don't think about what you're saying, but I fucking hear that and I remember it!" Renji howled,  _"You're_  the sicko, not me, doing this shit to my heart! You think it's funny, don't you, but it's fucking not!"

Ichigo shook his head breathlessly, stunned, speechless.

"You can't play with my heart like that, you can't do that! Are you just fucked up inside?! You don't  _care?!_  So many people love you and you don't even notice! You hurt them all the time without  _knowing!_  When are you gonna' learn that when you do shit like this, it affects other people?!  _Like ME_ _!_ " he roared, kicking Ichigo hard and hitting him in the shoulder. Ichigo ducked, backing away, and Renji stood there panting.

"Are you just trying to mess with me?! First, you don't want me, then you do, then you have me, then you start treating me like shit. What do you fucking  _want_  from me?!" Renji screamed, face twisting with sorrow. Ichigo finally cracked.

" _I don't know!_ " Ichigo finally hollered back, half-bending over from the force. Renji was silent for a moment, before shaking his head with a sigh.

"Wow, man… 'You don't know?' How can  _I_  know, but  _you_  not know?" Renji said incredulously. "Maybe you didn't realize, but I  _noticed_  all those times when I saw you looking at me. Before all of this, I  _knew_  you felt something. Or I  _thought_  you did," Renji said, lip curling. "You looked at me a lot, so it had to be something. I thought that you were probably just shy or making absolutely sure that you wouldn't end up hurting me, because you  _know_  how fucked up my past is. I thought you were making sure I wouldn't hurt  _you_. I thought you were just shy!"

Ichigo grit his teeth.

"I thought you were the type of guy who would think things through and know for sure about their decision when they lost their virginity. I trusted that you were sure," Renji said sternly, glaring. " _Do you think I would've been your first time if I'd known you were having second thoughts?!"_  Renji yelled, tearing at his hair. Obviously all of this had really done something to his head and his own view of himself.

"I thought I knew, but now I'm confused, okay?!" Ichigo wailed defensively, face a mask of despair. He'd tried to be angry, but it wasn't working now, because hearing all that had set in stone for him that he was to blame here. He knew he'd screwed up, that all of this was his fault. He'd done all this because he'd wanted to feel in control of his feelings, of what was going on between them, but now it was like everything was falling apart and it felt  _awful_.

"I'm sorry! I dunno' what's wrong with me! I don't know what to do!" Ichigo admitted, holding up his hand, fingers clawed. Renji gave a sigh, smiling bitterly.

"I know," Renji said, considerably calmer, more sinister. "I knew you didn't, so I asked you out, didn't I?" Ichigo nodded, rubbing his arm and looking off to the side. "And what did you do? You turned me down, but then made doey eyes at me for another month. I didn't know what you were waiting for, but I knew you needed another push."

Ichigo thought about it, remembering those times when he'd been a little too obvious in watching Renji brush his hair or get out of the shower. Renji had obviously noticed, because he'd come up with this plan to ask him out. He'd sat him down on the couch and turned towards him, his hand coming towards his face, and told him that he'd like to take him on a date. Ichigo hadn't known what to say for a minute, but when Renji had tried to kiss him, he'd stood bolt-upright, backing away. He hadn't said, 'gross', he hadn't called Renji a 'fag', all he'd said was 'no, I don't want that'.

Was it any wonder that when he'd kept checking Renji out, Renji had made the connection that maybe he only wanted to keep it casual?

Renji went on then, eyes drifting off. "So I finally made a move again, and you seem to go along with it and we fool around. You reveal that you were mad that I was trying to 'get in your pants'. I tell you that I love you, and you seemed happy about it, so we sleep together. I'm thinking that I have a good thing going," Renji said wistfully, bitterness in his voice, "Like I've  _made_  it, you know? I think that we're together, and that we love each other! But then when I try to treat you nice like I thought you wanted, it turns out nothing has changed and you don't want me after all. All you wanted was to lose your virginity. You don't want a relationship with me. You're the one who didn't want friends with benefits from me, but that's exactly what you're  _doing!_ "

Ichigo tried to interrupt, but Renji just pointed in his face, volume increasing. "You don't want to go on a date with me, you don't want me to hug you, you don't even want to  _hang out_  with me anymore! You just can't fucking stand to be around me, man! I don't know what the fuck to do here, what the  _hell_  do you want me to do, Ichigo? What the hell do you want?!" he asked, voice wrenched, expression absolutely wretched. " _Tell_ _me! I'm trying so fucking hard!_ " his voice cracked inconveniently as he shook his head and stared at the wall. He got in his face then, aggressive and handsy.

"You really just want my body, then, is that it? Cause' I know you check me out. You want this, but not this," he said, gesturing to his dick but then his heart. "You want me to pine for you, but do it at a distance and wait the rest of my life for nothing, so that I'm an open untouched option that you have, but'll never take? You want me only when it's convenient for you, and I'd better shut up about it too, or you'll shut me out? You're gonna' be kind ta' me and let me in with no intention ta' keep me?" Ichigo's eyes widened as he realized that that had been exactly what he'd been doing.

"You can't  _do_  that to me!  _I won't let you!_ " Renji shouted.

"You don't know what it's like, okay?!" Ichigo finally yelled back, pushing Renji away, vicious and pained.

"Oh," Renji said sarcastically, "Enlighten me, oh great king of heartbreak. What knowledge could you possibly impart upon me?  _Are you fucking kidding?_  You're trying to turn this around again, aren't you. What the fuck is your problem?" Renji snapped. "Is your head broken? You just don't know how to treat people right?"

"I'm trying to explain, just lemme' talk!" Ichigo hollered. "You're older than me, you have  _experience_ , you… I've never even  _dated_  before, Renji! I wasn't… I wasn't ready for this!" Renji blinked, lips parting, but he paused, whatever words he'd been about to say dying in his throat. "You made me feel like I  _had_  to!" Ichigo accused, pointing in his face.

Renji's face went slack for a moment, stunned, and then he got aggressive, towering over him, growling in his face, "I did  _not_  rape you! Don't you  _dare_  start saying that!"

Ichigo felt exhausted then, so emotionally confused that it actually  _hurt_. He didn't want Renji to leave, he didn't want to have this conversation, but… Maybe he should be honest, but less cruelly. "That's not what I'm saying," he said quietly, and Renji backed off, realizing that he'd have to calm down to be able to hear anything Ichigo was saying. "I mean… I don't know if I… if I wanna' come out, you know?" Ichigo said, cringing, and Renji's face softened.

"I'm confused," Ichigo admitted, looking at his hands and shaking his head, "I mean, am I  _gay_  now? Is that it? Was I straight before this, or was I gay in the first place? I mean, it's confusing to feel all this messed up shit for you, and I'm… having a hard time dealing with it. I've never even dated before you and I'm just fucking things up all over the place. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, or if what I'm doing is right, or if I even feel anything at all. Have I… Have I just known you too long for there to be butterflies, or am I just broken?" Ichigo asked, voice cracking a little. Renji listened on, expression stony and resigned, but his eyes seemed sympathetic and a touch regretful.

"I don't know what it is yet, okay? Is that so wrong?" Ichigo asked, a hand to his forehead. "It's… it's going too fast, and sometimes when you're being all lovey on me," he said, voice going sour, "it's overwhelming and I need air. It's just a lot simpler for me to push it away and blame you, so that I don't have to look inside myself and see that it'd be easy for you to hurt me if you wanted." Renji's frame stuttered a little, as if he'd been planning on nodding, but cut himself off.

"I don't think what we have is gross. I don't think it's disgusting, and I know I said it, but I don't mean it. It feels right when it's happening, but I get freaked out afterwards, okay? Maybe some part of me is still that 'don't touch me, fag' boy deep down. I don't  _wanna'_ be that person, but I don't know if I wanna' be the guy who sticks his ass in the air for you either…" Ichigo looked back into Renji's eyes, cheeks pink. "I mean… how would people think of me if they knew that? I don't even know how  _you_  think of me, knowing I give in like that."

Ichigo took a breath, shaking his head. "It seems simple when you do it, I mean, you're way more in control of your body and you're smooth and you're confident about yourself, but I don't feel that way when it comes to this stuff. You don't understand. I feel like everyone's watching me and it drives me crazy."

Renji pursed his lips.

"You don't know what it's like. It's not easy for me, okay?" Ichigo protested, voice becoming a whine, "I know I'm a young guy and I should be all over this, but… it's too fast," he said on a breath. "It's just too fast, and I don't want people to know yet. You don't get it. You've got things all figured out already, but  _I don't._ I'm not used to the idea of it yet… you… you feeling that way," Ichigo said, looking to the side.

"Loving you," Renji interjected softly, punctuating it with a pointed stare, as if to say, 'you're not talking your way around this.' Ichigo pursed his lips.

"…"

"I love you," Renji said, reaching out and touching Ichigo's wrist, and as Ichigo slowly looked up, he could see that Renji had seventy percent forgiven him. He still cringed at those words. Couldn't Renji keep those words inside? "There's nothing wrong about that," Renji said firmly, and Ichigo felt distinctly ashamed of himself, because Renji was right. Love wasn't something that should have to be hidden, and the more Ichigo acted like it was, the more he started actually  _feeling_  that way, which was screwed up.

"Do  _you_  think there's something wrong with it?" Renji challenged, and Ichigo took a deep breath.

"No," he said, extremely reluctantly.

"Then there's nothing in the way, Ichigo. They might seem like big problems to you now, but you'll work them out with time, I promise," Renji assured. "I mean, if… if what you're saying is true… and that's why you did that stuff, then, maybe I…" He looked to his stuff, which was still strewn on the floor from when he'd dropped it to manhandle Ichigo.

Renji was about to forgive him. Ichigo seized onto that moment with fierce hope. He was getting another chance.

"Don't run off," Ichigo interrupted, hands fisting in Renji's shirt on either side of his collar. "I don't know how I feel yet, but I don't want you to go, and… I just… Don't leave because of me," he said. "I'm sorry for what I said. I won't do that again. I shoulda' just said that I wanted a little space or somethin'. I think… I didn't know if you'd back off, so I tried to  _make_  you, but… that wasn't fair of me to do. Sorry I hurt your feelings," he mumbled, red-faced. "Just… I don't wanna' kiss and touch all the time, okay? It doesn't mean I'm mad at you."

Ichigo bit his lip, "I didn't mean to make you think I don't care… If it puts you at ease, if you were to just leave suddenly, I'd never forgive you."

Renji was quiet for a minute. Ichigo suddenly became anxious and jumpy.

"I mean- Somehow that ended up sounding really stalkerish, but that's not what I meant. Just… It'd be stupid to break up so soon, right?" Renji didn't respond, and Ichigo went on, sighing. "I know I'm probably annoying and I'm no good in bed, and I've got a short-temper and keep picking fights. On top of it, I did some really bad things, so I get why you wanna' go…"

Ichigo scratched the back of his neck, looking down, "Ah shit. I dunno' what I'm saying."

Renji nodded, a hand coming up and rubbing through Ichigo's hair. Ichigo let him for a minute, before shaking his head wildly, knocking his fingers out. Renji grinned a little. "Okay… I think I understand… I didn't realize that… that maybe even if I didn't coerce you into having sex, you still felt pressured or something. Maybe I made you feel cornered when we were all out with our friends, but I don't want you to be afraid that I'll rat you out. We don't have to tell anyone. I'll be really patient." He smiled wider, and Ichigo looked up into his face. "If that's what it takes, then fine." Ichigo had to pause. It had been that easy?

Fuck, it was because Renji really loved him. His stomach clenched with guilt.

"I wasn't in this for sex in the first place, so… I mean, it probably seemed like that to you initially, but I was just messing with you. I want a relationship, and we don't have to have sex, alright? I mean, sure, you're pretty good-looking, kid, but I've gone through some pretty long droughts. Even if you don't wanna' do it ever again, if it makes you uncomfortable, if you realize you're ace, I mean, that's fine, I'd support you," Renji said, and Ichigo suddenly realized that they'd confused their intentions. He'd wanted a break from the lovey-stuff, not from fucking, but Renji seemed to be unable to differentiate the two. Oh right, fuck, he was in love with him. Damnit. Ichigo scowled.

Renji had been genuinely hurt by all that messed up shit he'd said - and that in itself took a lot, since Renji had thick skin - and yet he'd taken Ichigo at his word and forgiven him and  _taken him back_ with little to no question, trusting that what Ichigo said, he meant. It was a lot to live up to.

"Just as long as… we're cool," Renji said uncertainly. Ichigo nodded.

"Okay then… I can have some personal space, then?" he asked, and Renji nodded. Desperate to save the sex life that he'd only attained a short time ago, Ichigo added on, "I mean, it doesn't have to stop  _completely,_ I just… I get scared, man. I gotta' breathe," he said in embarrassment. "What I'm most worried about is every one finding out about this before I can fully process it, and then having them influencing my opinion. I just want this to stay private, okay? I need some space and thinking time."

"Nah, I get it," Renji said, seeming like his normal self again. Ichigo smiled a little; he'd been forgiven all the way. "I get it," Renji repeated, "I thought you were just shy, but no, I get it. It's a big deal to you, so it is to me too. We can keep it private. Still, ya' shoulda' just told me that from the beginning. I would've taken you seriously." Ichigo nodded, and Renji gave a little smirk, "But whatever, you need some time, and that's fine. Glad I don't gotta' sleep in an alley, at least."

Ichigo gave him a weird look, laughing once. "I thought you were going to  _Rukia's_." Renji shrugged, hands in the air in an 'I dunno' gesture.

"Tch, yeah, except Rukia's is also Mr. Kuchiki's now."

"Ohhh," Ichigo said in recognition, glad that things were pretty much back to normal now. Renji grinned and put his stuff away again, and then dove on him on the couch when Ichigo said they should kiss and make up.

"Mmmm," Renji hummed, tongue wrapping around Ichigo's as he held him in his arms. Something rose up in Ichigo's throat that reminded him of tears, but it was just…  _happiness,_  even though the contact still made him itch with anxiety. They kissed for a few minutes, but after that, Renji didn't touch him at all, sitting a short ways away on the couch and watching Wipe Out.

He'd gotten what he wanted again. Renji had backed off, was going to give him time, and he didn't have to worry about their friends finding out. Ichigo should be happy, but to be honest, he suddenly felt cold without that previously annoying arm around his shoulders.

Fuck, he was so messed up.

* * *

_And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay._  
_And I'm so confused, So hard to choose._  
_Between the pleasure and the pain._  
_And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right._  
_Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind._  
_And I'm not strong enough to stay away_

* * *

Ikkaku had never cleaned his apartment so well as he had today. He'd freaking  _vacuumed._  Hah! He  _never_ vacuums!

He'd put all his clothes away after taking them to the coin-op, all the dishes were done and put away, his bedsheets were freshly laundered and smelled great. They  _had_  to if Yumichika was going to lay on them later. Ugh, he wondered if he could convince Yumichika to trade a pillowcase with him so he could smell his perfume at night. He wondered if they could just take a nap in his bed or something and cuddle sometime. Frick, he was excited.

He'd brought Yumichika over for the first time, and unsurprisingly, Yumichika told him it was a dump, which of course wasn't true. Little shit.

Ikkaku had made Yumichika dinner, romanced him while they'd ate, and then microwaved him some popcorn and wrapped him in a blanket on the couch. Now they were cuddling together and watching TV. All of that should've made Ikkaku really happy, but it was absolutely infuriating. He was finally aroused, and it was _really_  not the right time. He didn't even know why it had happened, but it had just come back all of a sudden once he'd started holding Yumichika.

Yumichika nestled closer in his arms, and Ikkaku held him fiercely, growling lowly at himself. He couldn't bring himself to make a move. Surely Yumichika still wanted to go to bed with him, right? He was ready now, but he couldn't make himself break the peaceful moment, because it wasn't the same as Yumichika inviting him in at night. They were having a causal movie date and were cuddling, and it'd be out of place for Ikkaku to just be like, 'bam, let's make love. Right here. On the floor. In the middle of the film.'

Geez, but he wanted to so bad. He didn't want to pass up the chance again.

He had to just go for it. He was hyping himself up too much. It'd be simple. Yumichika had offered himself up before, so there was little chance he'd slap him or call him 'pervert'. He had to just do it. It wouldn't be hard, all he had to do was reach out.

It was right there. It was  _right THERE._ Finally, Ikkaku's hands moved.

' _Yes… yes, you're doing it,'_ some encouraging inner voice chanted as Ikkaku's hand snaked closer and closer over Yumichika's thigh. " _Yes, almost there…'_

Mistaking his intentions, probably seeing his conflict and thinking he'd just been trying to get up the courage to hold his hand, Yumichika's hand reached out for his and interlaced their fingers. Ikkaku sat there for a moment, realizing his groping plans had been jacked. Yumichika leaned up to him for a kiss, which Ikkaku returned in confusion.

"You're just the worst," Yumichika said, pressed against him, "but I really really like you."

Ikkaku's heart burst, buzzing warmly in his chest as his body just  _melted_  into the couch. To his dismay, his erection was steadily dying as Yumichika kissed him sweetly and held his face.

It was a fuzzy love feeling, but it wasn't the buzz that he was looking for. He looked down at the crotch of his pants, back to Yumichika's face, back down _…_

Aw fuck.

* * *

_And love_ _…_  
_Such a silly game we play, oh,_  
_like a summer's day in May._  
_What is love, what is love?_  
_I just want it to be love,_  
_oooh~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Fin~
> 
> CN - Do you feel disappointed and let down by those endings? You're meant to. Prepare for the emotionally-fulfilling sequel, Steamed, where everyone stops acting completely stupid.
> 
> Opening 1 - The Calculation by Regina Spektor  
> Closing 1 - I Don't Care Much by Emilie Autumn
> 
> Opening 2 - Show Me Love by t.A.t.u.  
> Closing 2 - Pumpkin Soup by Kate Nash
> 
> Opening 3 - Drumming Song by Florence + The Machine  
> Closing 3 - Too Close by Alex Clare
> 
> Opening 4 - I Miss the Misery by Halestorm  
> Interlude 4 - Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus  
> Closing 4 - Reasons by She Wants Revenge
> 
> Opening 5 - Temporary Bliss by The Cab  
> Interlude 5 - Not Strong Enough by Apocalyptica  
> Closing 5 - Love by Matt White


End file.
